PhD Journal #11: Why flying away has led me back to me again
Grounded in reality of taking a break after losing my bearings and accidentally rediscovering myself again in such a simple way.
This prison in an art gallery is a place to sit and a representation of solitude. A place for deep thinking and a fun photo opportunity.
Dear friends, I am so glad you are here reading,
“Wherever you go becomes a part of you somehow.”
— Anita Desai
I travelled overseas last week to attend a conference to talk about my research for the first time, expecting to meet amazing scholars, researchers and learning about Singapore and its people. I did all that.
What I didn’t expect was that I would reconnect with me, my values, my fire and a pathway to rediscovering my voice.
Before I left for the trip I was really grappling with the who concept of where myself doubt came from, who my voice and choices in life were influenced by and if at all who I am is reflected in my writing, how the hell do I express my true values, while maintaining my dignity, self-worth and strength and who I am.
If you have missed it, here is a recap;
This was not part of my itinerary. I planned to have fun, embrace envy and sink deep into self-doubt to strengthen my connection with imposter syndrome.
I hadn’t researched the destination at all, I read a book on Think Like Chinese by Zhang Haihua and Geoff Backer, because of my deep fear of offending someone. Which came true, so the book didn’t work. I managed to offend a local after 2 hour of being in the country by questioning the absurdity of not selling alcohol after 10.30pm (I also want to mention I repaired this relationship after few days and at the time I noticed that his colleague was drinking alcohol at 7.30am, accordingly this was absolutely acceptable part of the employment conditions, I have learned now to remain open to different ways of knowing, doing and living).
I knew I wouldn’t like the coffee because I am a self-proclaimed coffee snob tasted most coffee beans from around the world. I had no tourist plans at all; I wanted to make my own adventure, get off the grid, use tourist maps and not Google, and embrace silence and carefully selected music so I can focus the life before me that I had no clue about. Leads on experiences in Singapore came from the locals, mainly taxi drivers, random strangers and lots of wondering walks. One of the days we managed to clock up 23,000 steps. My feet were sore, but I loved every minute of it.
Travel has a funny way of removing all the familiar structures that form my life as I currently know it.
At home, I know who I am.
I am the organiser of school lunches, finder of misplaced shoes, responder of emails, writer of chapters, negotiator of sibling disputes, and occasional destroyer of indoor plants through accidental neglect.
My identity exists within household tasks, meal preparation, mixed up routines, timeframes and deadlines. You may have recalled I wrote an article on this very moment in my life; here is a recap if you haven’t read it.
As I write this, I know I am much more than that, life giver, comforter and I am married by my best friend.
When those routines disappeared and when distance grows between worlds something unexpected happens, it did to me anyway.
Bella travelled with me, a fellow PhD, first overseas trip as both perfectionist we embrace ambiguity in the most beautiful ways.
She used Google maps and I refused, she bought a sim and I refused. I had to rely on her a lot. We made it work.
As graduate researchers, we find ourselves wondering the streets with no purpose as a temporary disruption to our lives as we know it, a reset in the most unexpected ways or a gift of time and doing whatever the hell your heart desires.
Stay with me, this is going somewhere important. I know about the typos, it is my proof I am human and not AI in writing this.
Travel allowed the context to change.
The audience to change.
The rules to change (also inspired me to ignore social expectations, instructions and writing challenge rules!).
The learning begins now this is when change occurred for me. (I must confess I also briefly skim-read at the airport The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck) because I needed a New York Best Seller book to tell me this very thing hundreds of people have told me throughout my life).
What emerges underneath can be surprising.
Sometimes uncomfortable.
Sometimes beautiful.
I noticed habits that belonged to me.
I noticed habits that belonged to other people’s expectations of me disappear.
This movie spoke to me The Secret Life of Walter Mitty celebrates how breaking free from routine and embracing the unknown can be incredibly beneficial for self-discovery and finding your authentic self. The Ben Stiller in the movie (clearly not a woman) shows how taking bold risks and stepping out of one's comfort zone is crucial for growth; not age bound, and how it is never too late to embrace such changes.
Walking in someone else’s shoes
The exhibition at the Singapore National Gallery was our first tourist stop after dropping off our luggage.
A mark. A signal.
Yes. A path to a cooler airconditioned room as we tackle the tropics of Singapore, sweat profusely and obsess over air-conditioned places to visit, this was the most beautiful and inspiring mission of the 8-day trip to Singapore!
I never expected the room to be filled with instant calm and sense of self as I browsed the expressive collections of works from different journeys grounded in history, asylum, poverty, grief and love expressed through various creative mediums and every single description I read, reminded me of something about me that I had forgotten.
What? Really, a gallery visit, here and now!
I got lost in the stories looking for answer in order to re-discover my story along the way. These stories were told in first person, linking their life to the social world around them, grounded in historical war, reality, society and expressed creatively.
No metaphors.
Literal. Creative. Real-life.
There appears to be a direct relationship between this moment and the likelihood that I am walking through my own story in the right direction. It just doesn’t make sense to me yet.
I had to take a photo of ‘Imagining Otherwise’ an introduction to a body of works before me that explored the exact something I noticed on Substack, in real life, in teaching and in research, consolidation of these practices into who I am becoming. I just haven’t seen in articulated in this way and then expressed through the artworks that followed.
This speaks to all of us on a journey through creativity!
I think again about Brené Brown’s idea of generous assumptions that we need to give others. This time, I notice, the need to redirect it toward myself.
Perhaps we are all doing the best we can with the information, knowledge and resources available to us in any given time.
A gentle reminder that growth is not always a dramatic transformation, grounded in frameworks. There is a simplicity within it, and we are the knowledge holder.
Travel did not change me into somebody new. Nor do I believe there is a need for expensive travel. There is something incredible about the freedom of time, solitude, free to be and do what the heart desires.
It gave me space follow a pull towards a cool room within a gallery, to discover an exhibit that had a profound impact on me, ignore time, rules and follow my intuition.
It helped me remember the younger version of me, the values and the loves.
The person who existed before expectations became the overarching frames of thought.
The person who was curious.
Creative.
Open.
Playful. (but still not funny)
Waiting patiently to be rediscovered beneath all the layers.
On a closing fieldnote, I travelled overseas expecting to discover a new people, knowledge and places, I certainly did that, building a robust network of researchers who found my work complimentary to their work and new collaborations will be eventually born. Instead, I found something much closer. I found the forgotten parts of myself. The greatest journey was not across countries, airports or oceans. It was the small distance between who I thought I had become and who I have always been.
Creating space, to reset and rediscover without all the responsibilities and distractions.
As it turns out, flying away led me back to me again.
And honestly, I wasn’t expecting that.
Continue reading, something fun…
I loved this Katerina. We often think we need to work harder to find ourselves, when what we really need is some space away from the routines and expectations that have become so loud. Your trip gave you that space. I hope you can bring some of it home with you and keep making room for the curious and creative parts of yourself in everyday life too. 💕
Katerina, the National Gallery becomes more than a tourist stop; it becomes the first place on the journey where you can encounter your own story outside the roles that usually organize your days. The conference expanded your network, yet the deeper return came through following curiosity, surrendering routine, and recognizing which habits belonged to expectation and which belonged to you. “The small distance between who I thought I had become and who I have always been” gives the essay its truest measure, especially for anyone whose competence has gradually crowded out play, intuition, and voice. Grateful for the candor with which you allowed travel to create enough space for forgotten parts of yourself to become audible again.