PhD Journey #8: 5 Ways I manage my time that does not belong to me

Grounded in my reality, tested in madness and proven in ridiculously simple outcomes

Dear friends, I am so glad you are here reading,

“Time management is about life management.” Idowu Koyenikan

As a graduate researcher I am either open to feedback or open to unwanted advice. Sometimes both of these generate a new idea. With this in mind I was suddenly inspired to write this. I have received endless advice how to manage my time during my doctorate years, I have attended workshops delivered by psychologists who specialise working with perfectionists, listened guru advice online and various podcasts, read life wisdom advice of other parents, explored the science myself, the art and the practical tools that have been tried and failed me over and over again for the in the last two years.

I reflect on the time I have also been the advice giver to high school students and to my university students. My PhD has grounded me in the reality of motherhood and a very busy life, where time does not belong to me.

Let’s put this into context and do some myth busting!

Globally, millions of students balance higher education with raising children. In the United States alone, approximately 3.14 undergraduates are parents, accounting for 18% of all college students. In Australia, around 12.7% of tertiary students care for their own children.

Parenthood introduces time scarcity, emotional labour, and financial pressures, making educational training more complex than my non-parent peers. This tension reflects broader social structures, including institutional, political and economic that exist and reveals the emotional labour of parenthood.

There are different worldviews on concept of time.

No one talks about this. Let’s start the conversation!

Most of the advice is grounded in western science, medical diagnosis, ability or disability. Here, I share practical wisdom grounded in the reality of motherhood while acknowledging that time, in fact, does not belong to me, therefore it is not mine to manage.

This is a funny take on PhD life, if you add in a family of five, unpredictable little people, busy schedules, that is my life at the moment and all the invisible stuff you don’t see.

As graduate researcher that occupies overlapping roles of parenting, caregiving (in all forms) and as learner who finds themselves in the middle of unpredictable time demands. Consequently, the notion of “time management” becomes less a scheduled activity and more an overly ambitious act that doesn’t go to plan, most of the time.

The protection I hold is my children attend school. This is important support for me and gives me a protected window to work within (when they are not home, sick or nursing injuries).

Within my life I need to reimage productivity.

Traditional strategies emphasise extended periods of focus and structured planning; however, parents and carers who have been here, in my shoes, know that it is very much depended on their little people’s health, mood, endless hunger, school pickups, dinners and tornado style distribution of dirty laundry around the house.

Five uninterrupted minutes may constitute a significant achievement.

Ten minutes can feel suspiciously luxurious.

Twenty minutes I start feeling suspicious of what they are up to. My hunch is usually 99% correct and my kitchen and bathroom benches are covered in slime experiments, what can I say! Let’s reframe this as arty-science life.

Effective time management is less about controlling hours, efficiency and more about maximising micro-actions, even when those moments occur while standing in a kitchen, performing butler duties while mapping out the next quick micro-action.

There have been plenty of moments I have sat in a parked car in the driveway, doomscrolling, craving the quiet headspace. There have been plenty of times I have been busted doing this too.

Let’s ground this conversation into reality of motherhood, parenthood or carer-hood (this is not a word, but let’s make it fit).

Multitasking

No one talks about multitasking. While cognitive research often critiques multitasking as inefficient or impossible, and even go as far as ‘the brain can’t effectively multitask’, the lived reality of my life differs. Listening to Substack messages while completing household tasks, reviewing chapter notes while negotiating kids’ social life, or mentally drafting ideas during school drop off, cooking or grocery shopping represents not a failure to focus, but an example of integrated cognitive labour. It is, the in effect, the blending of intellectual and domestic tasks into a single, continuous process, followed by exhaustion.

A helpful way to interpret the confusion is with this question; what is happening in their life today?

Schedules

Whose schedule would you like to discuss first! Correct, we are not only talking about managing my own PhD schedule. I am also managing the four schedules that my family have, and don’t even get me started on the Substack schedule!

All of these are competing for my attention.

Juggling these often leads to miss reading information, making spontaneous decisions or asking questions that don’t make sense. If you are on the receiving end of this f*ck empathy, I expect general assumptions (keep reading to learn what this means).

I use schedules, Gantt chart planners and timers yes to track my progress in my PhD. Family life is more about fostering opening communication and finding clever ways of using our strawberry timer for the kiddos who live in continuous adventure mode.

A helpful way to interpret this situation is with this question; what are they juggling today?

Motivation

The ability to learn, retain, and apply new knowledge within a context of constant interruption demonstrates resilience, cognitive flexibility, and GRIT. Yes, I found GRIT in my work and research, however at home, it is more commonly described as getting shit done.

The ongoing negotiation of time and attention is really like the dance of tango (I don’t know how to tango, just to be clear), I’ve observed the movements are guided through subtle changes in weight, torso rotation, and intention rather than force, allowing intricate pauses, changes of direction, and embellishments to emerge naturally. Tango is therefore not just a series of steps, but a dynamic interplay of balance, timing, and connection, where each movement is improvised within a shared rhythmic beat to the music.

Here we have the familiar scene with the Cell Block Tango from Chicago the musical.

There are moments, that are brief, often unexpected in completing micro-actions. These occur when a concept or idea becomes clear, when an argument comes together, or when a draft is submitted for review weeks of incremental effort. Third year into my PhD I still have no clarity, I’ve been told it is coming. Be patient.

Miro-actions are completed when everyone is happy and content at home. In the small pockets of calm in a turbulent environment, they serve as reminders that progress is not only possible but actively occurring. Everyday.

A helpful way to support is ask; what extra load are they carrying today?

My 5 Life Lessons

I believe that managing life is a dynamic interplay of balance, timing, connection and movement just like tango dancing. These have been learned, embraced and then not embraced in a perfectly imperfect way also known as wabi-sabi in Japanese. I have interpreted these as;

One, deliberate lowering of expectations;

Two, embracing failure of ambition;

Three, reframing success into a micro winning action;

Four, sharing family responsibilities, we are a team after all;

Five, use the time that is available realistically, asking for extensions and help is part of this.

Outcomes are a mix of life wins, that include progress on my PhD, living the best I can, healthy, kids schooled, fed, loved and entertained in an imperfectly perfect happy family.

Generous assumptions

Something that has pulled me through and I respond well to is Brene Browns generous assumptions position. It can be understood as a stance in which individuals interpret others’ actions through a lens of goodwill rather than immediate judgment. This perspective is grounded in the recognition that human behaviour is determined by complex, often unseen circumstances, including personal constraints, emotional states, and limited information. In adopting generous assumptions, we acknowledge that most individuals are acting in accordance with their current capacities and striving, in their own context, to do their best. Such an approach mitigates premature negative interpretations, fosters empathy, and open communication.

Ultimately, it reframes fault-finding to context-awareness, promoting more compassionate and open communication.

To me, the time management concept is ridiculous. In this context I cannot be reduced to schedules, outlook planner, timers to manage my time, but I use them! For me, it is a relational and dynamic process, between myself and the people I am surrounded by, competing for my attention on daily basis.

My chapters get written, my PhD progresses, work tasks are completed so I get paid, homelife gets attended to eventually, arguments happen, repair of ruptures happens, adjustments and negotiations continue.

The perfectly imperfect life is this.

On a closing fieldnote, the parent studying is not failing to manage time. In fact, managing a far more complex task system: sustaining intellectual growth within an environment where time is shared among multiple people in my life, unpredictable emotional states and needs, and only partially mine. That this is achieved at all is quietly, extraordinary in itself.

Continue reading…

17 quotes that have challenged how I talk with self-talk

Acknowledgements

The idea of connecting tango dancing to time management came to me while listening to these funny guys Mick and Vinayak Ramesh podcast, a great conversation.

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