Do not compromise yourself. You are all you’ve got. — Janis Joplin
I have spent a surprising amount of my life negotiating time that isn’t mine. I have just had this discussion at home with my family. Three children, a casual contract teaching job, and full-time PhD, every hour has already been claimed by someone or something before I even woken up. Yes, I have agency over my calendar that means a lot to me, it gives me options, for the first time in my life I actually get to decide how I use my time within school hours. I also have a board of stakeholders to report to, my family, they are tough negotiators.
I picture time as a stubborn bureaucrat sitting behind a desk, rejecting my increasingly desperate requests for extensions, explanations and squeezing in-between the needs of others. My requests for two extra hours of writing, just for fun, or to keep track of my thoughts during this PhD journey have been rejected multiple times. Sometimes the most supportive response is also the most dismissive one, they just do not understand.
The argument process over progress fails every time. Value over results is often the unseen labour of progress.
Requests for “one-hour extra sleep”, denied, requests for “drinking hot coffee while staring into space”, under review. My boss is an absolute bitch and a task master who demands I push beyond my limits and keep going like a fucken energy bunny. Yes, the boss is me! When this type of thinking is further reinforced by life around me continuously, no wonder why progress and results slow down and ‘my boss’ is on my back!
This next stage of my journey is the pointy end of the PhD program, my funding finishes in April 2027. The discussions have happened, the timelines are set against funding for the project, the schedule of outputs for writing has been agreed upon. I have committed to one 5000-word chapter per fortnight. This is the part that gets me writing and over the finishing line.
The fear of critical feedback is real and I do receive it. Signing up for a PhD graduate research program is great way to practice graduate exposure therapy without paying for a therapist. I will write about this in more detail in future journal entries. I wish the feedback was covered in sugar but that never happens. The feedback is important, it is specific, somewhat confusing and decoding time is essential part of the process. It also helps me progress with my writing and get that thesis written. This means, I am aiming for 80,000-100,000 words, yes, I am writing a book.
The aim is to write a manuscript first for a peer reviewed, then publish an academic book.
Thank you, readers,
I am in awe to know there are actual human beings that read my personal essays and who are choosing to cheer me on week after week. Thank you! I have managed to get to know you this year in the comments, notes and over zooms.
All journeys are different, but we all navigate; uncertainty, grief, discomfort, and that awkward, clumsy feeling of learning something new.
My stories are about navigating the transitional journey of career change which can only be served with a generous side of humour, reality and vulnerability. After all you are willing to read about my grief, emotional experiences of navigating something new and all the ‘bits’ of juggling motherhood and midlife in-between.
I have noticed you appreciate the rawness and are not interested in polished perfection which works for me perfectly, with my questionable grammar. It also appears you are learning along side of me, this part is really special as we all manage seventeen competing priorities of being fairly successful while sharing failings just to keep it real.
My priorities have been placed on trial, and I am doing my best to defend my position. It all comes down to; time.
This is the time of my PhD Journal where I will explore stories of mental capacity to work through pressure, share my roadblocks, U-turns and mental determination filled with laughter, tears and a lot of stupid optimism. At this stage of the journey, I do not take a break from life, family responsibilities, career transition, midlife hormones, they are coming for the ride until the finish lines.
I am noticing that my grief and emotions are surfacing throughout the writing process, I need time to practice self-love and self-compassion to keep the momentum going. One way I have discovered to do this is by writing poetry. This feels gentle way to process those painful feelings.
Rooms
It is love with nowhere to go
wandering the rooms of the heart
rearranging the furniture in rooms
like an incomplete puzzle
whispering a name into the air
noticing the ache in the chest
creating space for pain and love
holding both with no end
sorrow and hope are within me always.
On a closing studio fieldnote, I look forward to the next stage of my journey where the writing days will be long, the nights will be short, and the coffee will be extra strong.
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