It takes me few minutes to find the zipper in the dark room that I have been pulled into. Once I find it, I unzip the bag, belonging to recently deceased patient. I fold it back to reveal is head and shoulders, talking to him like an old friend. “Looking good David, let me give you a blanket.” David had been wheeled into the family room by a caretaker and a nurse. They handed the key over to me and told me I had 45 minutes before the room needed to be used for another family. Shocked, I think to myself; damn it, I don’t remember reading anything about rushing grief how the f@ck am I supposed to do that!

My internal dialogue quickly gets distracted by his cold wet skin, wax white finish in muted grey undertones. I have spent enough time with anatomy professors in their labs with jars and body parts to appreciate the science. “David it is time to say goodbye to your wife”. Yes I talk to dead people. They are great listeners. I cover the bag with a hospital blanket and dim the lights to cover up his pale skin tone. I open the door and walk towards the waiting room, I see the grieving wife, puffy eyes, trembling hands, unable to walk, leaning towards me to seek out comforting words and compassion. A switch flips within. Clinical detachment activated. I need to be present enough but not loose myself in their grief. I deliver comfort with warmth and compassion without feeling anything inside, on most days. While doing this I am wondering what I am going to cook for dinner and mentally writing a shopping list.

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I’ve been wanting to talk about this topic for a very long time. A lot of the information that I read in medicine, and psychology makes me sound like a freaking psychopath with emotional detachment at its core. Cold and heartless. As I enter rooms and scan the room, slowly tracking body language, voice tone and micro expressions like data. I decode their meaning into an observational summary. It also looks a lot like a researcher analysing data rather than seeing the person first.

Clinical distance or other words I would use to describe it as detaching or disconnecting while working, it is something that I have learned and used over time. It isn’t a reset, a ritual or a walk in the park kind of distance where the aim is to distress and take care of yourself. It is during the work. It is a coping mechanism not a freaken personality disorder. It messes with my identity, yes, it never use to, in the hospital it was normal, in the school it felt natural, until now because my research requires me to reconnect to the disconnected and analyse the hell out of it, critically, and it messes with how I show up in my writing. This is not self-induced therapy, it is reflexivity. The work many health professionals and researchers need.

I keep coming back to clinical distance it is this weird kind of feeling of a dream like state, emotions locked up with a golden key and chains, exiting my body and being an external observer to the actual situation that is before me.

I am disconnecting and fully aware of how I need to behave, what I need to say, do and move into a focused work state to do my work, there is cognitive presence and emotional and physiological distance. Scary, now that I write it down. Read it back to myself. I know.

In this disconnected state I can demonstrate warmth, kindness and empathy most convincing and connect with the people with empathy who have experienced horrific pain and shame. Assessing rooms dynamics, vulnerabilities, in seconds, invisible to others I entirely detached but I am perfectly prepared. This is not a performance I would call it ‘work mode’ with a clear mission.

I am able to reconnect with myself; I switch it back on. Go and purchase the ingredients I planned out for a dinner earlier during the viewing of David. This is what kept me returning back again and again to the hospital and my practice for 17 years. It is a coping mechanism. A skill.

Relationships

I am not here to give relationship advice, I would never put my hand up for it, honest, not any more. At this point in my life, I would be the worst one to come to for relationship advice. So don’t ask me. I think it is a whole heap of wank.

At its core of all relationships are the rules and ideas that are co-constructed by both individuals from some idealistic bullshit we see in our history, daily life, at the movies and on social media. Therefore, one advice for one couple differs greatly to another couple. If you want to chat gender-based violence, well that is different. I am all in on that conversation.

On the other hand, I love a balanced perspective, building relationships is one of my favourite things to do, I really enjoy talking with people and getting to know them, maintaining them is harder but just as enjoyable to me, if we are both on the same page reading the same book, I find so much beauty in humanity, yes, I see people first. I am well aware of ‘power’ we hold in every conversation. It is obvious to me. When we recognise this we use a gender-based violence for the foundation for relationship conversatons.

According to all the trauma research building relationships is one of the hardest things to do for someone whose endured trauma this is true. I find few things that come to mind is the difficulty to trust, the fear of rejection, pulling away umm… having big reactions to minor bumps all of it is true, I’ve been there, done that. Yes, I have done the work on myself in the most unconventional way.

Power in relationships is always there and is present in our society every single day. So, if you think the work is over, you are f@cken kidding yourself. The work is never over; it just becomes easier to do and maintain.

I’ve been able to maintain and build relationships over a long time, and those relationships are deep and meaningful to me and the other person. I’m not quite sure how I’ve done it, perhaps I’ve just worked at it with a very clear understanding of who is important to me so I decide to override those icky feelings I might have about talked it out, but I am all in. Perhaps I really enjoyed something about them that made me smile, enjoy their company or bonded over something obscure.

When I think about how I met my husband, relationship advice cracks me up, for f@ck sakes the only thing we had in common is bourbon and coke, most of our life dating was around football clubs, night clubs and fun rather than deep conversation. Fast-forward to now almost 25 years later we are still learning about each other and have the most incredible life filled with miscommunication, arguments, laughter, adventures and making up. He built me an art studio and he doesn’t like art; he is sports obsessed, always has been! We are still different and the same… which works perfectly for us, perhaps not everyone. To me this is a perfectly normal relationship that is built on mutual trust, respect and love for each other. The foundations for a relationship of any kind.

Relationship advice hasn’t really worked for me, in my context. I have the training; I am reading the literature; I have counselled many couples. I spend time today reflecting on my own experience and it differs. My boundaries are all over the place with him, transparency is fully there and there is this warm calmness about that. Around him I know exactly who I am and he reads me like a book, this has taken time to develop, finding words for this is more difficult than I realised. I can’t fool him and he can’t fool me. Miscommunication and ‘debates’ happen all the time, but we both have a funny way of dealing with that, sometimes he uses obscure words I haven’t heard of before and I ask him to define them or secretly look them up in a dictionary… smart ass! I don’t shutdown during an argument with him, there is this unspoken trust and mutual respect that it will stop when we have both said our peace, not cross the line, walked away and gave each other space. It also helps that we both understand clinical distance, he is always encouraging disconnection during this PhD journey and appreciates it for what it is. He will probably never read this, this isn’t his thing, if he does, he will have a lot to say to me about it, I am sure.

On a closing fieldnote; going back to understanding my areas of resistance has helped progress in my writing journey. Firstly, I haven’t added a reference here… this is progress! I think finding my writers voice is coming through, I have used voice to text function in a word document to working out what I sound like, this is what came out, I usually return back and edit after posting, not sure why this is my process, but I have noticed a lot of typos! oops! voice to text limitation maybe.

Naming the clinical distance and disconnection, as an obscure unconscious coping mechanism which has slowly creeped into my writing like a freaken psycho!! has been incredibly therapeutic.

I do ask my readers to let me know if they notice it, if you do have a little fun with it if you, we have been posting on each other’s work. If I start paraphrasing your life or it doesn’t feel warm, please name it for me and let me know because it is unconscious (but these are the signs). I also reserve to right to argue or disagree too, which may result in blocking you. Just so we are clear about my position on this.

P.S. You may have noticed that I have dropped the “Dear friends, I am glad you are here reading”. I am. I am so glad you are here with me reading. I just felt like starting this article in this way. Slightly inconsistent. Don’t worry. All good here.

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Candle

the beauty, the scent,

the heat, the dance,

the burn, the smoothness,

the burning erosion odour,

i carry you with me,

in the dancing flicker,

your presence, your sound,

yarning with no end,

no words, choking tears, laughter lifts,

shhh, i don’t speak of the secrets,

sorrow that follows,

gazing at you, mesmerised,

slowly over time,

timeless, shameless,

in stillness i live,

love remains present.

distance creates a silent estrangement,

shhh i am growing older now,

i missed the ordinary things first,

i remember the laughs, hugs and care,

strangers,

followed by harsh despair,

i sit in heartache it is just not fair,

disintegrate into rhythmic air,

i drift in the flare.

now that i am a woman, the tears still fall,

the lingering gunshot pops,

invisible thick air, never stops,

heavy breath,

with anguish in our hearts,

fear into our lives,

heat rushing in, until the breath is still,

changing landscapes deepens the sorrow within,

the quiet days we are not to speak off,

certificates arrive in our inbox,

and flowers are ordered and sent,

placed on your final resting bed,

life continues,

a silent sorry within

not shared,

incomplete, no closure,

holding both,

the dread and lift in one.

P.S. If this poem doesn’t make logical sense there is a reason for it. The word ‘candle’ has many meanings for different people it may represent hope, love, spirituality, guidance, birthday celebrations, christenings, new beginnings, remembrance, grief and death. The candle represents all of these for me. I wanted to explore what disenfranchised grief felt like with the lightness of life in all its beauty and the moments of despair. The two co-exist. I re-wrote this poem several times and sat on it for weeks, the moments within this week reminded me to finish it as we celebrated birthdays, family, love and laughs, the invisible moments of disenfranchised grief stay very present softened by life itself.

I haven’t written a poem since my teens, where I would spend evenings listening to soulful rap tunes playing around with song lyrics just for fun, this memory is my ‘point of resistance’, and I needed to explore it, for now, this is what came out.

I also used the guidance ‘as a rooky’ in poetry who suggested to use one word with many meanings.

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Have you ever received a text like this?

Text: “We need to talk”

Senders’ intention: I want to discuss something important.

Recipients’ interpretation: relationship problems, potential breakup, work issue, sex catch up, brace for an argument, have I done something wrong, sad or bad news, exciting news or time for a face-to-face catchup.

I want to present this as intersectionality in communication. Intersectionality isn’t talked enough about, we often read more popular forms of understanding of content and text communication, we banter about differences between the sexes, ‘men are from mars and women are from venous’, we box people into various diagnosis and abilities to determine a set of ‘criteria for inclusive communication’. Advocacy aims at single method of inclusion, excludes someone else that doesn’t fit in that box.

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Intersectionality highlights that communication is never entirely neutral. Language reflects different positions in life such as race, gender, disability, class, culture, and sexuality, the same words can evoke different interpretations and emotional responses. This helps explain why online communication often produces disagreement over meaning, even when all parties are responding to the same text. Certain perspectives may be privileged within books, media, educational materials, and public communication, while others remain marginalised.

An intersectionality viewpoint is essential in globalised societies, online platforms, where communication frequently occurs across cultural, linguistic, and social boundaries. Acknowledging multiple perspectives, readers can engage more critically and empathetically with written texts. This diagram provides a visual understanding of how intersectional relationships in communication connect with each other.

United Nations Source: Intersectionality Wheel

Intersectionality originated in African American feminist scholarship in the United States and has since become an important framework for understanding how race, gender, class, culture, and other identities shape communication. Used widely across the United States, Canada, Europe, and Australia, it helps researchers examine how power, diversity, and social position influence the creation and interpretation of media, public discourse, education, and workplace communication. An intersectional perspective recognizes that people may interpret the same message differently because meaning is shaped by the interaction of language, identity, culture, and lived experience.

In digital communication, terms such as ableist, racist, sexist, or transphobic are often interpreted through an intersectional lens. What one person intends as humour, description, criticism, or casual expression may be perceived by others as reinforcing systems of marginalisation. Intersectionality suggests that these differing interpretations arise not only from the text itself but also from the identities, experiences, and social contexts that readers bring to the interaction. This helps explain why the same words can generate very different responses among audiences.

The movies below explore intersectionality in various ways.

“The more technologically advanced our society becomes, the more we need to go back to the basic fundamentals of human communication.” — Angela Ahrendts

Texting is such a simple communication tool. Or is it?

Unlike face-to-face conversations, texting removes many visual understanding, social cues, forcing the brain to interpret meaning in different ways.

Therefore, it is far more complex than in person conversations.

In everyday conversations, people rely on tone of voice, facial expressions, and body language to understand meaning. When these cues are missing, the brain must “fill in the gaps,” which often leads to ambiguity. A simple message can be interpreted in multiple ways depending on the reader’s mindset. The brain uses prior experiences, emotions, and expectations to interpret words. This is known as top-down processing. For example, if someone is feeling anxious, they may interpret a neutral message as negative, even if that was not the sender’s intention.

Text also creates a sense of emotional distance. Without physical presence, people may feel less socially restrained, a phenomenon known as the online disinhibition effect. This can lead to more open and honest conversations, but it can also result in misunderstandings or harsher communication than intended. Timing is another important factor in texting. The speed of responses can influence how messages are perceived. Quick replies are often interpreted as interest or engagement, while delayed responses may be seen as disinterest or avoidance. This shows how even silence in digital communication carries meaning.

To compensate for the lack of nonverbal cues, people use symbols such as emojis, punctuation, and abbreviations. Emojis, in particular, serve as emotional signals that help clarify intent, confuse or intensify the text. Research suggests that the brain processes emojis in ways similar to facial expressions, helping restore some emotional context. Memory and attention also shape text because messages can be stored and revisited, individuals may reread conversations to seek better understanding if they choose to. This can improve communication, it can also lead to over analysis and increased anxiety, especially when interpreting messages.

While misunderstandings are inevitable in text-based communication, repeatedly claims of not understanding the other person can be interpreted as disrespectful towards the other person and can damage the ability to develop trust and maintain the relationship.

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Holtgraves 2021 study found that miscommunication is common in digital platforms because people often soften face-threatening messages, such as criticisms, demands, or threats, to avoid offending others. This politeness makes intentions less clear, causing recipients to misunderstand the intended meaning. The study also found that people are generally overconfident in their ability to communicate effectively and often fail to recognize when miscommunication has occurred. Overall, the research shows that meaning is not only influenced by words but also by social relationships, context, and concerns about maintaining positive interactions.

Tezcur and Vitanova 2024 research findings suggest that messages are not interpreted solely through their words but through the social identities and experiences of both the sender and receiver. An intersectional perspective highlights how factors such as race, language background, culture, gender, and perceived linguistic understanding determine how digital messages are written, interpreted, and read. In online spaces, the same text can be understood differently depending on a reader’s social position and assumptions about the person behind the message. This challenges the idea that digital communication has a single, universal meaning and instead shows that meaning emerges through the intersection of language, identity, power, and lived experience.

Wadge et al. 2019 explores if successful communication depends on communicative alignment, the ability of individuals to develop a shared understanding of meaning through ongoing interaction. Their research found that autistic individuals could generate and interpret communicative signals effectively but experienced difficulties when meaning relied on shared contextual history. The study highlights that meaning is not contained within words or signals themselves but emerges through the collaborative process of negotiating understanding between both people. Therefore, communication is shared responsibility, and both individuals need to commit to the process of maintaining the relationship.

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On a closing fieldnote, perhaps the greatest lesson of understanding language and text in the context of intersectionality is how to accept differences for they are.

I wonder what a world without the intersectional differences would look like. Where tensions would be non-existent, no curiosity in sight and no hilarious and mildly embarrassing moments to giggle at.

In a world where everyone is exactly the same, individuality would become a huge trend.

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References

Cole, E. R. (2009). Intersectionality and research in psychology. American Psychologist, 64(3), 170-180.

Crenshaw, K. (1989). Demarginalizing the intersection of race and sex: A Black feminist critique of antidiscrimination doctrine, feminist theory and antiracist politics. University of Chicago Legal Forum, 1989(1), 139-167.

Crenshaw, K. (1991). Mapping the margins: Intersectionality, identity politics, and violence against women of color. Stanford Law Review, 43(6), 1241-1299.

Holtgraves, T. (2021). Understanding miscommunication: Speech act recognition in digital contexts. Cognitive science, 45(10), e13023.

Hyde, J. S. (2005). The gender similarities hypothesis. American Psychologist, 60(6), 581-592.

Kelly, L., & Miller-Ott, A. E. (2018). Perceived miscommunication in friends’ and romantic partners’ texted conversations. Southern Communication Journal, 83(4), 267-280.

Rhodes, C., Pullen, A., & McEwen, C. (2023). Leadership Diversity Through Relational Intersectionality in Australia: Research Report. University of Technology Sydney.

Tannen, D. (1990). You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation. New York: William Morrow.

Tezcur, N., & Vitanova, G. (2025). Intersectionality between race and nonnative English speaker status in language teacher identities: What educators should know. RELC Journal, 56(1), 184-197.

Wadge, H., Brewer, R., Bird, G., Toni, I., & Stolk, A. (2019). Communicative misalignment in autism spectrum disorder. Cortex, 115, 15-26.

Wu, B., Zheng, H., Patel, S., & Goff, W. (2026). Diversity and inclusion in the Australian Early Years Learning Framework: multiculturalism, interculturalism and intersectionality. Early Years, 46(2), 221-236.

Wood, J. T., & Fixmer-Oraiz, N. (2026). Gendered Lives: Communication, Gender, and Culture (14th ed.). Cengage.

Let me start with a confession, this is where I don’t poor my heart out, open up my wounds only to be crushed by lack of engagement by my readers, because I am writing for me.

Instead, today I have noticed something about me that I haven’t noticed before, I am documenting this for my record so I can remember this exact moment that I have realised this.

I love flicking though books far more than I love reading books. I love the feel and the smell.

I used to laugh and mock theories while studying at university and in practice [true story], chuckled at philosophies of life, and held on to a deep seeded belief that they are so far removed from real-life and they are absolutely ridiculous. I am now developing one, gulp, I’ve learned they are actually based on real life, real people, real lives, I honestly did not see this coming!

My usually messy filing continues to be only understood by me with research articles papers? Downloaded. Scanned. Noted. Filed. I have completed business administration training long before I started university and loads of professional experience, and this hasn’t helped me at all in my PhD.

Reports? Saved.

Narratives of so many lived experiences? Bookmarked. Summarised in at worksheet. Reviewed. Noted. Reread multiple times.

Grey literature? Filed neatly into folders with names like Important Reading and Definitely Reading This Later. It is unlikely I will every open these.

My digital NVIVO library now contains enough material to keep me intellectually entertained until approximately 2087.

The problem isn’t acquiring more readings and building my knowledge. I have stopped for now. Its sorting through genuine crap that is out there that lacks credibility this part is really consuming my time right now.

The problem is that every author appears to believe they are god’s gift to knowledge and they are the only true source of information, insight and of what is right or wrong. They obviously haven’t heard of subjectivity or conveniently ignored it.

I am taking some inspiration from Spy movie where Susan Cooper’s character, an unassuming, deskbound CIA analyst steps up to go deep undercover. Her mission is to infiltrate the world of a deadly arms dealer and prevent a global disaster. With this in mind. Let me explain what I have learned about me so far on the rollercoaster of a PhD journey.

I like to think of myself as intellectually adventurer [this does not mean I am smart] it just means that I find smart things sexy. Reading monogamy simply doesn’t exist for me. I’m in a committed open relationship with books, articles, research papers, newsletters, podcasts, Substack posts and random PDFs downloaded to my phone or laptop. It may appear that I’m having an emotional affair with a neuroscience paper, flirting shamelessly with a love researcher book, and exchanging meaningful glances with a report on global politics podcaster. Some people stay faithful to one book, one knowledge holder until the very end. This is not me.

I often joke that I’m not just in an open relationship with all thing’s content and text. I’m part of an intellectual flirter’s network of readers who join in but don’t talk about it openly. While some readers commit to one book or article at a time and faithfully see it through to the end, I find myself attending literary parties where books get exchanged freely. I might arrive holding a biography form one person, spend twenty minutes with a psychology textbook, dive head over heels into a dark poem, slip away with a report on global economics, and somehow end the evening in deep conversation with a paper on neuroscience. While just completely emotionally investing one minute I find myself hopping around to other ideas with wandering eyes. Looking for the next catch.

“I am just exploring ideas”, I tell myself, “I can’t figure what you want", others tell me, “I will let you know when I work it out”, I respond, keeping open to more intellectual intimacy. I feel completely scandalous confessing my truth, yes, as if that makes it any less clearer for you to understand. At any given moment I’m simultaneously involved with six books, three newsletters, a podcast, and a random PDF I met online. Some call it a lack of focus; these people are narrow minded and live a sheltered life. I prefer to think of it as consensual intellectual non-monogamy. The only thing being exploited here is, my own attention span, and expanding brain intellect that leads to emotional fulfillment and physiological experiences.

This isn’t an exaggerated version of me at all; it’s a point of connection I only realised today. This is a significant moment in my journey to track my progress, my voice and I am reconnecting to myself. A commitment to build on from what I have learned in Singapore. It is grounded in my reality of being a woman and all things that come with being a person. As a teen I would find myself flicking through so many books while reading only a handful and now a researcher sorting through literature but only reading what is really needed to be read.

This is no coincidence, it is a clear path that I wasn’t clear about before, I research content, text and communication in the context of human suffering. I experience strong feelings of literary commitment phobia. I’m a reading polygamist. It’s a self-confessed emotional affair that I am finally embracing, understanding and fully committed to. I enjoy the warmth and intimacy of many words, stories and knowledge. Searching and wondering about the meaning between a word, a sentence or a paragraph and of course the whole story of experiences, not satisfied with one explanation. Re-reading the text several times before I am satisfied with my own conclusion. At this point questioning why, I know what I know at this point becomes grounded in multiple narrative realities and an amusing dance. It is concluded with interpretive dance, only to be told, “No, you just don’t understand.” At that point, you’re no longer having a conversation; you’re participating in a psychological escape room where the exit door keeps moving. The beauty of the phrase is that it is impossible to disprove. The more evidence you present that you do understand, the more it apparently proves that you don’t. It’s the conversational equivalent of being told you’ve lost a game you didn’t know you were playing.

Text communication in real-life today’s life is a fascinating social experience in which we try to convey complex emotions using tiny black symbols on a glowing screen. Unlike face-to-face conversations, texts appear in our lives out of the blue, without a real tone of voice, facial expressions, raised eyebrows, awkward pauses, a head nod, or head shake, or reassuring smiles. Aha, those eyes, eyes tell me so much and often feel like windows to our souls. The body that speaks to us without words, the movement, tension or openness. As a result, a simple “Okay” or thumbs up can be interpreted in several ways and hold different meaning for different readings. Is it an agreement, disappointment, passive aggression, or the beginning of a full-blown feud? We often fill in the emotional gaps with our own assumptions, bias, fears, and insecurities, turning innocent messages into unprovoked emotional psychoanalysis.

I do keep my ideas contained ready for scrutiny later as I prepare for text analysis adopting the adventurous spirit of Susan Cooper’s character in SPY. I use a literature review template with neatly annotated notes, sometimes colour coding if I am feeling extra adventurous;

So far, I have three lessons I have noticed about myself along my PhD journey;

One, I don’t believe everything I read and apply critical scrutiny to everything I do read, cynical powers paired with literately knowledge are important here far more than I did before when I started this journey.

Two, one person’s trash is another one’s treasure online and in real-world, content and text are no different, they have intersectional influences, emotional connections to our own lives and are sprinkled in bias gun powder. So, now I choose wisely and ask myself why did this text, story or information appeal to me? Should I try reading something different today?

Three, tracking what I read to create meaning from it is not a new idea or a new concept. I found tracking my readings really important because I notice patterns in text, literature, and what I am reading that I haven’t noticed before. This is set up in a simple table with headings and summaries.

On a closing fieldnote; one observation of my PhD journey articles is they have moved from a rigid clinical reflection to more grounded in real-life madness as I progress through this once in a lifetime journey. This is important progress and growth [or connection to madness is the growth - I need to return to this!]. I felt real pressure when first starting this blog not really having a clear mission. It is my evidence. This doesn’t feel like life transformation or carefully selecting midlife madness events and purpose for reinvention. It feels like I am remembering the person I have always been but with greater attention to detail of what that actually means. I wonder if this what motherhood does to us.

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This prison in an art gallery is a place to sit and a representation of solitude. A place for deep thinking and a fun photo opportunity.

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Dear friends, I am so glad you are here reading,

“Wherever you go becomes a part of you somehow.”
— Anita Desai

I travelled overseas last week to attend a conference to talk about my research for the first time, expecting to meet amazing scholars, researchers and learning about Singapore and its people. I did all that.

What I didn’t expect was that I would reconnect with me, my values, my fire and a pathway to rediscovering my voice.

Before I left for the trip I was really grappling with the who concept of where myself doubt came from, who my voice and choices in life were influenced by and if at all who I am is reflected in my writing, how the hell do I express my true values, while maintaining my dignity, self-worth and strength and who I am.

If you have missed it, here is a recap;

This was not part of my itinerary. I planned to have fun, embrace envy and sink deep into self-doubt to strengthen my connection with imposter syndrome.

I hadn’t researched the destination at all, I read a book on Think Like Chinese by Zhang Haihua and Geoff Backer, because of my deep fear of offending someone. Which came true, so the book didn’t work. I managed to offend a local after 2 hour of being in the country by questioning the absurdity of not selling alcohol after 10.30pm (I also want to mention I repaired this relationship after few days and at the time I noticed that his colleague was drinking alcohol at 7.30am, accordingly this was absolutely acceptable part of the employment conditions, I have learned now to remain open to different ways of knowing, doing and living).

I knew I wouldn’t like the coffee because I am a self-proclaimed coffee snob tasted most coffee beans from around the world. I had no tourist plans at all; I wanted to make my own adventure, get off the grid, use tourist maps and not Google, and embrace silence and carefully selected music so I can focus the life before me that I had no clue about. Leads on experiences in Singapore came from the locals, mainly taxi drivers, random strangers and lots of wondering walks. One of the days we managed to clock up 23,000 steps. My feet were sore, but I loved every minute of it.

Travel has a funny way of removing all the familiar structures that form my life as I currently know it.

At home, I know who I am.

I am the organiser of school lunches, finder of misplaced shoes, responder of emails, writer of chapters, negotiator of sibling disputes, and occasional destroyer of indoor plants through accidental neglect.

My identity exists within household tasks, meal preparation, mixed up routines, timeframes and deadlines. You may have recalled I wrote an article on this very moment in my life; here is a recap if you haven’t read it.

As I write this, I know I am much more than that, life giver, comforter and I am married by my best friend.

When those routines disappeared and when distance grows between worlds something unexpected happens, it did to me anyway.

Bella travelled with me, a fellow PhD, first overseas trip as both perfectionist we embrace ambiguity in the most beautiful ways.

She used Google maps and I refused, she bought a sim and I refused. I had to rely on her a lot. We made it work.

As graduate researchers, we find ourselves wondering the streets with no purpose as a temporary disruption to our lives as we know it, a reset in the most unexpected ways or a gift of time and doing whatever the hell your heart desires.

Stay with me, this is going somewhere important. I know about the typos, it is my proof I am human and not AI in writing this.

Travel allowed the context to change.

The audience to change.

The rules to change (also inspired me to ignore social expectations, instructions and writing challenge rules!).

The learning begins now this is when change occurred for me. (I must confess I also briefly skim-read at the airport The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck) because I needed a New York Best Seller book to tell me this very thing hundreds of people have told me throughout my life).

What emerges underneath can be surprising.

Sometimes uncomfortable.

Sometimes beautiful.

I noticed habits that belonged to me.

I noticed habits that belonged to other people’s expectations of me disappear.

This movie spoke to me The Secret Life of Walter Mitty celebrates how breaking free from routine and embracing the unknown can be incredibly beneficial for self-discovery and finding your authentic self. The Ben Stiller in the movie (clearly not a woman) shows how taking bold risks and stepping out of one's comfort zone is crucial for growth; not age bound, and how it is never too late to embrace such changes.

Walking in someone else’s shoes

The exhibition at the Singapore National Gallery was our first tourist stop after dropping off our luggage.

A mark. A signal.

Yes. A path to a cooler airconditioned room as we tackle the tropics of Singapore, sweat profusely and obsess over air-conditioned places to visit, this was the most beautiful and inspiring mission of the 8-day trip to Singapore!

I never expected the room to be filled with instant calm and sense of self as I browsed the expressive collections of works from different journeys grounded in history, asylum, poverty, grief and love expressed through various creative mediums and every single description I read, reminded me of something about me that I had forgotten.

I got lost in the stories looking for answer in order to re-discover my story along the way. These stories were told in first person, linking their life to the social world around them, grounded in historical war, reality, society and expressed creatively.

No metaphors.

Literal. Creative. Real-life.

There appears to be a direct relationship between this moment and the likelihood that I am walking through my own story in the right direction. It just doesn’t make sense to me yet.

I had to take a photo of ‘Imagining Otherwise’ an introduction to a body of works before me that explored the exact something I noticed on Substack, in real life, in teaching and in research, consolidation of these practices into who I am becoming. I just haven’t seen in articulated in this way and then expressed through the artworks that followed.

I think again about Brené Brown’s idea of generous assumptions that we need to give others. This time, I notice, the need to redirect it toward myself.

Perhaps we are all doing the best we can with the information, knowledge and resources available to us in any given time.

A gentle reminder that growth is not always a dramatic transformation, grounded in frameworks. There is a simplicity within it, and we are the knowledge holder.

Travel did not change me into somebody new. Nor do I believe there is a need for expensive travel. There is something incredible about the freedom of time, solitude, free to be and do what the heart desires.

It gave me space follow a pull towards a cool room within a gallery, to discover an exhibit that had a profound impact on me, ignore time, rules and follow my intuition.

It helped me remember the younger version of me, the values and the loves.

The person who existed before expectations became the overarching frames of thought.

The person who was curious.

Creative.

Open.

Playful. (but still not funny)

Waiting patiently to be rediscovered beneath all the layers.

On a closing fieldnote, I travelled overseas expecting to discover a new people, knowledge and places, I certainly did that, building a robust network of researchers who found my work complimentary to their work and new collaborations will be eventually born. Instead, I found something much closer. I found the forgotten parts of myself. The greatest journey was not across countries, airports or oceans. It was the small distance between who I thought I had become and who I have always been.

Creating space, to reset and rediscover without all the responsibilities and distractions.

As it turns out, flying away led me back to me again.

And honestly, I wasn’t expecting that.

Continue reading, something fun…

Murder in the Gallery

The chandeliers of the National Gallery Singapore shimmered in the city’s amber lights and where the five weirdest citizens were on a VIP list for an exclusive billion-dollar art auction. The gallery held a priceless collection of art works grounded in social justice, life journey’s, creative writing, teaching and research. The VIP guests plan to spend the next three days in the gallery, together getting to know the artists and the meaning behind the artworks. This event is hosted by the famous Victor Tan.

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Introducing The VIP Guests

Lady Loo: “I just wanted to use the toilet.” She was given the name after accidentally getting trapped in a men’s toilet in Johor Bahru for 20 minutes, Toilet Lady became an unwilling escape-room champion. Armed with a mobile phone and two helpful brothers, she believes every locked door is now a personal challenge. She despised Slingshot Jill for her long shiny black curls and acrobatic skills, and secretly fancied Victor Tan.

Slingshot Jill: “Please keep your hands, feet, and hijab inside the ride at all times.” A thrill-seeker whose Clarke Quay slingshot ride transformed her hijab into an airborne disguise. Despite temporarily losing sight of the Singapore skyline, she emerged laughing and proudly holds the record for the fastest accidental costume change in the cast. She also fancied Auctioneer Victor Tan.

Guardian Dirt: “Karma is watching. Heaven is taking notes.” Protector of plants, defender of flowerpots, and creator of Singapore’s most intimidating anti-theft sign. Guardian Dirt possesses no known superpowers, yet somehow convinces thieves that the entire universe is monitoring their gardening behaviour.

Bottle Uncle: “The truth is out there... probably near the market stall.” A self-appointed investigator of mysterious objects. After discovering a row of unexplained plastic bottles outside market stalls, Bottle Uncle dedicated himself to uncovering their purpose. Several years later (or at least it feels that way), he remains no closer to an answer.

Cowboy Man: “This town isn’t big enough for one whip.” The unexpected cowboy of Sembawang. Armed with nothing but a whip and impeccable timing, Cowboy Man turned an entire neighbourhood into amateur detectives trying to identify the source of mysterious popping sounds.

Pre-Auction Tapas

Auctioneer Victor Tan: Tall, strikingly handsome Victor with dark short hair, stubble, solid build, with piercing brown eyes and a charming smile. His scent is most intoxicating, with every inhale of aromatic, woody blend that opens with zesty bergamot and grapefruit, settles into a spicy heart of star anise. His smooth deep voice and Whitty charm commanded attention, making million-dollar bids sound irresistibly to art collectors. He begins the event with “Welcome to Singapore, where every strange headline is somehow true.” Our guide through an evening of confusion, mysterious, and completely misunderstood.

The guests enjoyed refreshments. Champagne. Tapas.

They drifted through the grand room of the National Gallery Singapore beneath glittering chandeliers and centuries of artistic works from around the globe. Champagne flowed freely, guests lots the count of how many drinks they had consumed, mingled, laughed and charmed each other. Lady Loo animatedly recounted her infamous restroom entrapment hoping that Victor would sense her helplessness and wrap his muscular arms around her, while Slingshot Jill demonstrated, much to everyone’s amusement how her hijab had transformed into an unexpected blindfold during a thrill ride, falling into the arms of Cowboy Man who broke her fall, she took her blindfold off, blushed with embarrassment.

Nearby, Guardian Dirt cornered unsuspecting guests with stern warnings about karma, heaven and the dangers of stealing potted plants, while Bottle Uncle attempted to recruit volunteers for his ongoing investigation into the mystery of the plastic bottles.

As dinner reached its climax, the evening’s host, renowned auctioneer Victor Tan, rose to make a toast. He held a flute of Champaign in his right hand and raised his arm shouting “To art, friendship, and weirdest Singaporean VIPs has officially commenced”, followed by “lets mingle, tingle and get friendly tonight” moving his gaze towards Slingshot Jill amazed by her acrobatic skills, their eyes locked together, intensity filled the invisible space between them. Heart and pulses racing.

Cowboy Man disrupted the moment between Slingshot Jill and Victor, leaning in for a hello and a friendly introduction. He winked at her showed off his cowboy skills by celebrating with an enthusiastic crack of his whip, startling half the room. In the commotion, Auctioneer Victor Tan took a sip, winked at Lady Loo, “I will be getting friendly with …. ”, and collapsed onto a wall filled with tiny photographs of children in poverty, smashing the research piece, cutting his forehead, and landing on the floor with a heavy thump. A pool of blood slowly started to poor out beneath his head as he laid on the floor with a grin and a wink. Still. Dead.

Silence filled the tension and fear in the room

A champagne flute rolled across the floor; Cowboy Man landed his foot on it heavily smashing it to pieces.

Guardian Dirt immediately announced that karma had struck again, his irritating announcement sends a shock wave through Slingshot Jill as her lusting fantasy was ruined. suggested checking the security cameras. Bottle Uncle wondered if the mysterious bottles were somehow involved, he decided to take it upon himself to collect evidence and started examining them for fingerprints. As panic spread through the gallery, Lady Loo ran to the men’s toilets and locked herself in there, this time she did not call for help.

Slingshot Jill started walking in despair towards Victor, trembling, heart racing, crying and sobbing uncontrollably, when she slipped on he wet floor covered hard on her back, SNAP, with glass crystals and spilled champaign beneath her, she started to losing the feeling in her hands, arms and legs very quickly.

The three-day Art Auction event came to an abrupt stop in the first two hours.

Two things became very clear; there is a killer among us and the art auction is closed. One thing was up for debate among the remaining guests in the room; do we call the ambulance or the police?

THE END

Who Killed Victor Tan?

Acknowledgments

This creative story was written as part of a challenge set by I totally failed in following instructions. Instead, I decided to create my own and use 5 stories from Singapore Stomp News where I am staying now.

I tried to use AI, because I am time poor, but Chloe spat out slop. So this is what I came up with instead. I hope it okay.

Others who are participating in this challenge (I think) include:

D. Maria Ashley Butler The Journal of Rooted Growth Lola the Firebird HuckinFappy Leslie Paul Oosten HealinLayers

This is part of my preparation for HERDSA conference in Singapore.

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I arrive at work at 8.30am and at 8.46am a nurse who attended my training session on domestic violence couple of days earlier, pulls me into the nursing station. She recognised the signs and asked the right questions.

This is when I met Jodie, it is not her real name, it’s the name I gave her when I could not stop thinking about her story, I needed to remember her.

Emergency departments are surprising spaces where a delicate balance of life and death lingers, the fluorescent lights flicker and roars of pain and despair is behind every curtain, this was one of my favourite roles, in the 14 years of working in a hospital. The intensity and the family of staff was truly unforgettable. At the start of my shift I met Jodie, she was brought in by ambulance services after her phone call to the poisons helpline, admitted and treated for alcohol poisoning, she was ready to access detox services, with suspected abuse as a result of domestic violence, she has requested a social worker, I was told by nursing staff.

I took a deep breath, here we go again.

I walked towards bed 12, Jodie laid in bed, with beautiful long dark black hair, draping past her shoulders, perfectly brushed, I was struck by her elegant beauty, posture and grace. Her trembling hands, gentle smile and lowered gaze to avoid me. She tensed up. She took a deep breath and slowly raised her gaze. Her dark brown eyes, were wide, filled with fear, she searched my face for clues as though she was trying to determine if I was a safe person to talk to, if I would believe her story. I sat down next to her and covered her with a warm blanket, set up a selection of sandwiches, biscuits and a hot milo on a tray in front of her, she looked like she has seen hell. I knew this was going to be a hard conversation for her, and for me to hold.

Jodie shares her horrific story detailing torturous abuse, addiction, violence laced with alcohol induced pain relief she expressed gratitude for. She pleads with me, to help her boyfriend, provide suggestions to stopped drinking, she expressed how much she loved him, she feared him, she depended on him, but he alone could not stop this madness, she was here to him.

This is where I pause. The details are not important.

Her story reminded me of GIA, although Jodie was not a supermodel, she certainly had the most glamours presence and I could not understand why she felt ugly, unworthy and deeply shameful of her life.

What remained to be important and true is that Jodie was physically forced to consume, high volumes of scotch, until she did not feel her breath in her chest, her body felt numb and lifeless, in that state she endured torture, she remembers snippets of it and details it as I sit in my own pain and listen. Her sorrow of isolation from her family, her daughter and being forced to move around the country is expressed through the tremble in her voice. She lived in survival every day.

She expressed that her plan was to obtain information of detox services for her boyfriend; this is the story she gave him. He rang at least 23 times during her admission. The truth is she was convinced she would die that night, and she wanted someone to know. She wanted to survive.

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Her glamours body was covered in bruises from her neck to her ankles, leaving her face, hands and feet unmarked. I noticed her perfect ruby red nail polish on her fingers and toes, her long glamourous lashes and softness of her hair framing a frightened face. I listened carefully, in silence, watched her tears swell up in her eyes, and roll down her cheeks, like perfect droplets, her lips quiver, as she explained the story behind each bruise that had come to land on her body.

At this point I worked closely with the clinical team ensuring accuracy of the body map and stories of the bruises were recorded accurately, clearly, without confusion, in overflow of patients competing medical attention, an unexperienced but eager to learn medical student was assigned to Jodie. Jodie is important. Let’s keep her in focus. This is not therapy; this is first response to safeguard a person in terror.

Where vulnerability gathers,
where the skin remembers,
where internal pain is forced leaving scars and evidence,
forensics called to collect it,
every intrusive careful touch,
every cell collected, labelled, sealed,
photographs taken from every angle,
with gentleness but no dignity,
I needed to hold her gently,
or not at all.

The warmth of a shower washed the evidence of terror away,
Jodie felt relieved and grateful.
I held my breath as I watch her run outside, I flowed, she left my sight.
She dropped her jumper in a hurry.
I called police, who escalated it to major crime,
20 minutes later he is arrested.

She is safe. Alive. Grateful.

Court proceedings followed.

Holding space for people with stories of survival matters, staying in the moment, vigilant and focused is the delicate balance of life itself.

This matters because frontline workers stand at the edge of other people’s breaking points, where stories are shared, with moments of raw shame and despair, and hope someone believes the madness they are living. If these stories are not heard, they are silenced, rooms darken and isolation closes in.

To hold own pain and give space to people in front of me trembling and experiencing human suffering is something that matters to me. This work is important work.

Holding Two Spaces

I am holding space for you,
with love and compassion in my breath and every move,
that feels gentle but no longer whole,
I do not name what’s in my heart,
I let it be buried deep inside.

Let me unravel with numbness beneath your skin,
words dragged out of me like thorns,
grief thick, weighing me down sitting painfully in my chest,
love twisted into unrecognisable terror in I see in your eyes.

In that moment I push my pain deeper inside,
I show you I am gentle and present for you,
I am composed, intentional and follow your lead,
I am holding my own aching loss and your fear of death.

Like a balancing act.

I return tomorrow.

Continue reading…

In these last few weeks, the intensity of my PhD bubble paired with life demands has intensified things for me, the only way I know how to release it is writing my journal, for two reasons, one to release the intense madness, the second reason is so I can return to this and understand my process.

I thought I had a voice, then I didn’t and now I am questioning absolutely everything about my capability to string two words together!

How am I going to separate my voice from others?

In my research, in my storytelling?

How do I find it?

Why is it hiding?

The type of voice that sheds the good girl image with a deep powerful roar, the voice of an inner lion that set me on this soulful journey of self-discovery in the first place.

Where the hell is she!

My PhD bubble is like a high-pressure pot, the one with a blow your steam off whistle on top with a delicious goulash inside that is steaming and can’t get out. Except my whistle is broken. My emotions are intense bubbling like hot blood in my veins and shutting off my brain with no escape.

I tap into my high school years memory. On the outside, a culture of young girly teens that wanted to feel pretty and desired like the women on the big screens, excitement in exchanging dieting tips of not consuming any calories and excessive exercise were rewarded with looks from cute boy. I was too shy to talk to boys; I had never had boys as friends. The comments from popular girls that continue to haunt me. The kind of experiences that were funny back then, like skipping meals, throwing away lunches in the rubbish bin and escaping to the bathroom after a hearty meal, which surely contributed to my hunger war with food.

Inside, I was bursting out screaming, anything just to fit it, fitting in nowhere, belonging to no one. High school turned everything into a stage show, I was lucky I had blonde long hair, with glamours glitter sprinkled through it, a bold red lip stick and smoky eyes, my costume barely covered anything, the playful confidence and controlled expressive moves performed in a slow and deliberate way, filled with teasing gestures, that are jaw dropping and leave the boys tongue-tied, let’s use this to build audience anticipation.

High hills I can no longer walk it let alone dance in that made my legs look like dancing poles. The kind of performance our calligrapher created that parents drop their jaws in disbelieve wanting to cover their good girls. A real-life fantasy that played out in conviction and motion in the name of the arts.

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It was reframed as empowerment by our dance teacher performing a story on the stage, sounds like a lot of bollocks to me now, with my parent lens. Let’s throw away girls’ brains and deep thinking, bring in the black velvet lace and wrap it around them for entertainment.

Who was it really for? How did it influence me and the company I keep?

I wonder if that is why I love burlesque so much, is this where that influence came from, in my teenage years. Created within school and reinformed by music and movie pop culture.

How much of this is really me?

Is it my ‘love’ or interest or was it imposed on me?

It certainly influenced me in some way and confused my role as a woman that I was becoming, who was I pleasing? Or is this a women’s role in society? To please and tease.

Leaving my teenage self to look, act and be perceived in a way that is physically desirable and adult-like in a world I was completely naive to, I played along like a character in the show. I didn’t know any better because no one told me.

How the hell did this happen to me?

Does my writers voice live within her, my teenage self, manipulated by society?

I am not sure if this voice feels like me.

Where else could she be.

Somewhere safe hiding.

Striding.

Deep within.

On a closing fieldnote, I am searching for my writer’s voice that belongs to me, that I can recognise, that feels like me. This influence around me have created this pressure, confusion, and self-doubt, especially during times like high school when identity is still forming. My sense of self isn’t built in isolation, it is influenced by the voices, values, and standards that I am surround. There is no one answer or one truth, for me finding my voice is a journey, a process and engaging in my research is forcing me to confront this now.

Acknowledgement

As I explore my writers voice, it feels like of late, I have been receiving signs from Substack community, it is like they algorithm is spying on me, this makes me feel less alone in this journey, more exposed and vulnerable to technology. The positive out of this is that I am so grateful to these writers;

Thank you to dearest Esmari who encouraged poetry, and her written words feel so soothing while there is madness in my head,

Thank you, Lola who deepened my reflection through her exploration of self-doubt and joy, reading it made me feel less alone,

Thank you to for sharing curiosity within me as a researcher and our endless ways of questioning the world, the social influences that surround us and how they influence us. Normalising the emotional labour that a PhD and my research topic itself has irrupted within me.

Thank you to who beautifully described the social construction of her social influences in her life through her writing. This description made me reflect on my own writing and how I can improve it, to feel less academic, less researchy (that’s not a word but it fits) and more like the perfectly imperfect me.

Continue reading…

Let us begin with an uncomfortable truth: networking is really a battlefield in a war of egos.

Not the dramatic, sword-clashing kind though that would at least justify a better outfit choice but the awkward kind of competing egos and psychological combat.

Here I welcome you into my inner world of madness as I prepare for the most exciting and socially awkward experience of my career. This may sound suspiciously similar to Game of Thrones, except that instead of dragons, I must prepare to battle prolonged eye contact, suspiciously strong coffee, and the deceptively simple phrase, “so, what do you do?” at the wildly conservative black tie dinner party and social tours.

At this point I would be clutching my lukewarm coffee and attempt to remember how to introduce myself without sounding like a slightly corrupted LinkedIn profile.

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Upon entering this conference arena, one quickly discerns the dominant House of Effortlessly Impressive, whose members claim they “just threw something together” despite clearly having prepared for the last seventh months of literature review and data analysis, summarised in a PowerPoint presentation.

Next to the cake stand gather the House Over-Explainers, capable of converting any casual inquiry into a full keynote address. House Strategic Nodding occupies a discrete position in the arena, surviving entirely on well-timed murmurs of “that’s interesting” while revealing nothing of strategic value.

And then there is my own house, the least relevant and important one of all, in the hierarchy of the arena, the House of Lost, casually walking in equipt with stories and posing questions to discuss at a round table. That’s right, no PowerPoint to guide me, just me, myself and I. A small group of people in my corner that are in the same house. Lucky, I have registered to have a buddy to take me around so I will be sure to utilise this.

It quickly becomes apparent that networking is less about what people do, more about achievements, titles, and publication records. Also, how convincingly they can explain it in under thirty seconds without losing oxygen. This is called the elevated pitch! Yes, I don’t have one but will be drafting it as a last minute preparation activity on the flight.

Preparing for conference networking unfolds like a carefully staged episode in a Game of Thrones season 5. Full of unexpected turns, subtle power plays, and the occasional dramatic misstep that no one fully recovers from. You enter the room with a plan, much like a noble house entering an alliance, only to find that conversations pivot abruptly, introductions take surprising directions, and the person you thought would be a brief encounter becomes a long and intricate exchange about topics you did not prepare for.

I suspect this would be much like a shocking twist that redefine loyalties and expectations, networking can swiftly move from confident beginnings to awkward pauses or unexpectedly meaningful connections. One moment you are exchanging polished introductions, and the next you are navigating a conversational twist so abrupt that all you can do is nod thoughtfully and hope your expression conveys wisdom rather than mild confusion.

Yet, as in any well-crafted saga, survival does not depend on predicting every twist, but on adapting with composure and a sense of humour, while supporting spontaneous unpredictable creativity. The seasoned conference-goer learns that not every interaction needs to be a decisive victory; some are simply moments to endure gracefully, while others may evolve connecting with alliances worth keeping.

I have a tendency to ask awkward questions in the rush attempt to fill awkward silences in conversation with that lingering as a potential attempt to socially fail at networking I prepare to feel discomfort with pauses that feel longer than a sip of red wine.

While navigating this psychologically thrilling battlefield of networking with champions and underdogs there is a more dynamic conversation that will occupy my headspace. I am hoping to find someone charismatically funny to get me through the week. This may need continuously adjustments and laugher at the absurdity of how nervous I feel.

The most feared part, however, remains. I admit I am awkward. I always have been, probably never change. This has been confirmed by family, friends and strangers. Literary as recent as last week!

So, let’s work with what I have and consider how I am going to mask this awkwardness. Samwell Tarly to the rescue who is totally socially awkward moves to dodge equally awkward questions and conversations. Meet my mentor for the next 7 days! Isn’t he adorable I could just squeeze those cute cheeks. I will observe his every move and take extensive fieldnotes.

To navigate this arena with dignity and sophistication, I have created a game plan in my head, that will likely change several times before the conference, but this is what we for now.

My 3 Moves

First, expectations must be lowered significantly, again, story of my PhD life. Not every conversation will be meaningful; some will be merely tolerable. Smile and nod, my standard go to response is “that is interesting”. Sorted.

Second, one should rely on simple, open-ended questions, for survival. There is no need for brilliance; curiosity is safer. In fact, asking thoughtful questions has the added advantage of allowing the other person to speak at length, which is widely considered one of the most effective networking techniques available. Yes, people do like to talk about themselves a lot. Winning plan.

Thirdly, find a buffoon that just keeps on giving and I can be entertained while quietly hiding in their shadow of brilliance.

Frankly, networking is less about advancing my career and more about finding survival strategies for socially awkward moments of self-promotion.

On a closing fieldnote, the battlefield is real, scary, anxiety provoking and literal war of egos filling the room. Networking is not won through perfection, dominance, head chopping or sword fighting. It is navigated with unease, discomfort, tensions and most of all self-compassion.

Continue reading…

Dear friends, I am so glad you are here reading,

“Time management is about life management.” Idowu Koyenikan

As a graduate researcher I am either open to feedback or open to unwanted advice. Sometimes both of these generate a new idea. With this in mind I was suddenly inspired to write this. I have received endless advice how to manage my time during my doctorate years, I have attended workshops delivered by psychologists who specialise working with perfectionists, listened guru advice online and various podcasts, read life wisdom advice of other parents, explored the science myself, the art and the practical tools that have been tried and failed me over and over again for the in the last two years.

I reflect on the time I have also been the advice giver to high school students and to my university students. My PhD has grounded me in the reality of motherhood and a very busy life, where time does not belong to me.

Let’s put this into context and do some myth busting!

Globally, millions of students balance higher education with raising children. In the United States alone, approximately 3.14 undergraduates are parents, accounting for 18% of all college students. In Australia, around 12.7% of tertiary students care for their own children.

Parenthood introduces time scarcity, emotional labour, and financial pressures, making educational training more complex than my non-parent peers. This tension reflects broader social structures, including institutional, political and economic that exist and reveals the emotional labour of parenthood.

There are different worldviews on concept of time.

No one talks about this. Let’s start the conversation!

Most of the advice is grounded in western science, medical diagnosis, ability or disability. Here, I share practical wisdom grounded in the reality of motherhood while acknowledging that time, in fact, does not belong to me, therefore it is not mine to manage.

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This is a funny take on PhD life, if you add in a family of five, unpredictable little people, busy schedules, that is my life at the moment and all the invisible stuff you don’t see.

As graduate researcher that occupies overlapping roles of parenting, caregiving (in all forms) and as learner who finds themselves in the middle of unpredictable time demands. Consequently, the notion of “time management” becomes less a scheduled activity and more an overly ambitious act that doesn’t go to plan, most of the time.

The protection I hold is my children attend school. This is important support for me and gives me a protected window to work within (when they are not home, sick or nursing injuries).

Within my life I need to reimage productivity.

Traditional strategies emphasise extended periods of focus and structured planning; however, parents and carers who have been here, in my shoes, know that it is very much depended on their little people’s health, mood, endless hunger, school pickups, dinners and tornado style distribution of dirty laundry around the house.

Five uninterrupted minutes may constitute a significant achievement.

Ten minutes can feel suspiciously luxurious.

Twenty minutes I start feeling suspicious of what they are up to. My hunch is usually 99% correct and my kitchen and bathroom benches are covered in slime experiments, what can I say! Let’s reframe this as arty-science life.

Effective time management is less about controlling hours, efficiency and more about maximising micro-actions, even when those moments occur while standing in a kitchen, performing butler duties while mapping out the next quick micro-action.

There have been plenty of moments I have sat in a parked car in the driveway, doomscrolling, craving the quiet headspace. There have been plenty of times I have been busted doing this too.

Let’s ground this conversation into reality of motherhood, parenthood or carer-hood (this is not a word, but let’s make it fit).

Multitasking

No one talks about multitasking. While cognitive research often critiques multitasking as inefficient or impossible, and even go as far as ‘the brain can’t effectively multitask’, the lived reality of my life differs. Listening to Substack messages while completing household tasks, reviewing chapter notes while negotiating kids’ social life, or mentally drafting ideas during school drop off, cooking or grocery shopping represents not a failure to focus, but an example of integrated cognitive labour. It is, the in effect, the blending of intellectual and domestic tasks into a single, continuous process, followed by exhaustion.

A helpful way to interpret the confusion is with this question; what is happening in their life today?

Schedules

Whose schedule would you like to discuss first! Correct, we are not only talking about managing my own PhD schedule. I am also managing the four schedules that my family have, and don’t even get me started on the Substack schedule!

All of these are competing for my attention.

Juggling these often leads to miss reading information, making spontaneous decisions or asking questions that don’t make sense. If you are on the receiving end of this f*ck empathy, I expect general assumptions (keep reading to learn what this means).

I use schedules, Gantt chart planners and timers yes to track my progress in my PhD. Family life is more about fostering opening communication and finding clever ways of using our strawberry timer for the kiddos who live in continuous adventure mode.

A helpful way to interpret this situation is with this question; what are they juggling today?

Motivation

The ability to learn, retain, and apply new knowledge within a context of constant interruption demonstrates resilience, cognitive flexibility, and GRIT. Yes, I found GRIT in my work and research, however at home, it is more commonly described as getting shit done.

The ongoing negotiation of time and attention is really like the dance of tango (I don’t know how to tango, just to be clear), I’ve observed the movements are guided through subtle changes in weight, torso rotation, and intention rather than force, allowing intricate pauses, changes of direction, and embellishments to emerge naturally. Tango is therefore not just a series of steps, but a dynamic interplay of balance, timing, and connection, where each movement is improvised within a shared rhythmic beat to the music.

Here we have the familiar scene with the Cell Block Tango from Chicago the musical.

There are moments, that are brief, often unexpected in completing micro-actions. These occur when a concept or idea becomes clear, when an argument comes together, or when a draft is submitted for review weeks of incremental effort. Third year into my PhD I still have no clarity, I’ve been told it is coming. Be patient.

Miro-actions are completed when everyone is happy and content at home. In the small pockets of calm in a turbulent environment, they serve as reminders that progress is not only possible but actively occurring. Everyday.

A helpful way to support is ask; what extra load are they carrying today?

My 5 Life Lessons

I believe that managing life is a dynamic interplay of balance, timing, connection and movement just like tango dancing. These have been learned, embraced and then not embraced in a perfectly imperfect way also known as wabi-sabi in Japanese. I have interpreted these as;

One, deliberate lowering of expectations;

Two, embracing failure of ambition;

Three, reframing success into a micro winning action;

Four, sharing family responsibilities, we are a team after all;

Five, use the time that is available realistically, asking for extensions and help is part of this.

Outcomes are a mix of life wins, that include progress on my PhD, living the best I can, healthy, kids schooled, fed, loved and entertained in an imperfectly perfect happy family.

Generous assumptions

Something that has pulled me through and I respond well to is Brene Browns generous assumptions position. It can be understood as a stance in which individuals interpret others’ actions through a lens of goodwill rather than immediate judgment. This perspective is grounded in the recognition that human behaviour is determined by complex, often unseen circumstances, including personal constraints, emotional states, and limited information. In adopting generous assumptions, we acknowledge that most individuals are acting in accordance with their current capacities and striving, in their own context, to do their best. Such an approach mitigates premature negative interpretations, fosters empathy, and open communication.

Ultimately, it reframes fault-finding to context-awareness, promoting more compassionate and open communication.

To me, the time management concept is ridiculous. In this context I cannot be reduced to schedules, outlook planner, timers to manage my time, but I use them! For me, it is a relational and dynamic process, between myself and the people I am surrounded by, competing for my attention on daily basis.

My chapters get written, my PhD progresses, work tasks are completed so I get paid, homelife gets attended to eventually, arguments happen, repair of ruptures happens, adjustments and negotiations continue.

The perfectly imperfect life is this.

On a closing fieldnote, the parent studying is not failing to manage time. In fact, managing a far more complex task system: sustaining intellectual growth within an environment where time is shared among multiple people in my life, unpredictable emotional states and needs, and only partially mine. That this is achieved at all is quietly, extraordinary in itself.

Continue reading…

Acknowledgements

The idea of connecting tango dancing to time management came to me while listening to these funny guys and podcast, a great conversation.

The Sustainable Solopreneur

You Shrunk Your Whole Life for a Side Hustle

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a month ago · 11 likes · Vinayak Ramesh and Mick

This part has been the hardest part of my PhD journey. Here I to tell the story of internal transformation and learning to move from safely supporting others to courageously exposing and owning your own worldview as a researcher.

In society, a worldview is understood as a collectively and individually held assumptions, values, and belief systems through which people interpret their social reality and make sense of their place within it. It is influenced by cultural traditions, historical experiences, social institutions, and shared narratives that influence how communities understand concepts such as knowledge, identity, power, and morality. While worldviews provide coherence and meaning, they are not static; rather, they are continually negotiated through social interaction, conversation, social media, and exposure to diverse perspectives. In this way, worldview functions both as a lens that guides perception and as a dynamic construct that evolves alongside societal change.

Our worldviews influence what we believe is the truth, it draws us to certain authors and knowledge holders because they feel familiar and safe. There is no one truth, there are multiple truths.

In recent weeks I spent quite a bit of time analysing my data, line-by-line word by word as I am slowly working through my transcripts from participants engaging in a constant comparative method of Constructivist Grounded Theory. I am making meaning of this data. I need to position myself into the research study related to learning and teaching trauma-related content so I can widen my worldview through my research participant narratives and analysis of literature.

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In research terms this is called positionality. Positionality is the interplay between space, context and identity.

I am someone who thinks a lot about how my past interacts with the present. How trauma, learning, and lived experience weave together, and how my research is really just an extension of that curiosity. In life I have learned that learning and unlearning happens all the time, across all generations, in social worlds, environments and continues throughout our lifecycle.

As I move through the third year of my PhD, I’m learning to re-wire how I think, write and work from a place that feels authentic.

I’m learning that qualitative research isn’t just about gathering other people’s stories, but it is also about noticing the ways my own position influences everything I do. The more I sit with this, the more I realise how often I slip between feeling like an insider and an outsider, sometimes holding insight that helps me understand a participant, and other times widens and challenges assumptions, beliefs and ideas.

This is the bit I love. Its intellectually stimulating. Not everyone is a fan.

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Stripping the professional armour off me, so who am I without it?

This is a hard question. Really hard.

Sit in silence. Think.

Blank. Zero idea. Kind of hard.

My story started long before I was born; here is a very brief outline using a trauma-informed lens. PhD Journey #6.

Value of writing about traumatic life experiences?

I struggled with this post; I didn’t want to write it. So, naturally I scanned the internet, chatted to few people, looked at literature to see if it is worth writing about. Weight out pros and cons.

Defined my purpose: the aim for me is to soften my armour and step into openness.

The emotional labour of writing and speaking about life experiences feels gruelling but broadening the context of the social world has been healing. Sharing it online, has been completely cringe and vulnerable - it still unsettles me.

Authors Baikie and Wilhelm believe that writing about painful or emotional experiences can be meaningful and improve both mental and physical health for individuals, valuing an expressive approach in writing. The authors found that people who spend a few short sessions writing openly about a stressful or traumatic event, they tend to experience better outcomes than those who write about neutral topics. Expressive writing is increasingly being used as a gentle therapeutic tool, especially for trauma survivors. This is writing for self, not others.

Why use trauma-informed lens?

I don’t want my uncomfortable sensations to be activated when I am reading and learning. I am also not using a trauma warning here, because there are issues with those too. See article: Proceed with caution: the trouble with trigger warnings. My research will be adding to this conversation.

Instead, I will be transparent with you about the next part. I will be sharing what the sensation feels like to re-experience trauma-related content while learning, others will experience it differently, there are multiple truths out there, this is only one of them. There are no details of trauma, that is not needed here, it is the sensations that are needed to be learned and understood. Its impact on learning is critical.

Please skip over this next section if you do not want to read it. We all have a story. Protect yours.

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Trauma-related content is the core area of my inquiry.

My experiences of engaging with trauma-related content have left me lost inside myself during my studies. It happened throughout my education, however, here I am wanting to focus on adulthood. The time I am supposed to have my shit together. It turns out at 22 I did not. I noticed it in my first year of my degree. Yes, I am one of those mature, aged students.

I arrive 5 minutes earlier at the lecture theatre. I equip myself with water and snacks to get me through. I found a seat and sat down next to my peers I met earlier. The seats around me filled quickly. I put my glasses on and take my notebook out with a pen. We did not take laptops to class back then.

To the outsider my fellow peers and educators I look pleasantly calm, looking forward at the lecture, deeply listening, quietly, slight smile on my face, with a gentle relaxed gaze, blonde hair flowing past my shoulders and bright pink earrings dangling along my neckline. I am wearing blue jeans, white sneakers and white t-shirt, with a Lacoste latte coloured jumper over my lap I bought at an op shop near me. Those lecture theatres get cold. My eye makeup is neatly defined, lightly shaded eyelids in shimmer, rosy cheeks and strawberry lip-gloss shining on my lips.

On the inside I can feel the content, the words, the voice and the pictures. I don’t want to lose myself in it. My body still remembers, my brain is telling my body to get over it, but it’s not that easy. The trauma has been passed down through generations of stories and genetics. I get this buzzing feeling that tingles inside my veins, a misty haze starts to form, head spinning that snowballs into the thick fog and my body can’t move. I am stuck. Still. Heat rushing in. I want to float outside of my body and drift into a cloud, but I can’t, something is holding me down, its heavy, I can’t see it, I can feel it. It terrifies me. The noise turns to a glitchy whisper my internal projector turns the TV static on. I am still. I wait. The horror movie is about to start.

I am trapped in a seat at the cinema against my will, I hear the keys turn in the door lock, detained, no rights and forced to watch a horror movie. It has started.

Internally, I try to move, but I can’t, I can feel turbulence inside, my heart is racing. I feel slow movement of painful warm heavy liquid move into my arm veins, travel towards my chest, spreading like a plague, slowly painfully, wrapping around my heart and throat tightly. Breathless. It travels down to my stomach, my back and my legs. Temperature remains warm, no hot. This invisible force of weight holds me down in the seat where no breath should exist, but it does, in the real-world.

No one notices.

Its invisible.

I am quiet.

In this moment I am not absorbing information, taking notes or responding to questions posed by the lecturer the way I would if I was fully present and engaged in learning.

At the end of the lecture. I am still sitting, staring. Alone. The lecturer places their warm hand on my shoulder.

“We are finished” I heard a soft deep voice.

“I take a deep breath” I turn my head to the left. I smiled.

“Did you want to ask a question?” they asked. I keep smiling politely, “not today I need time to process the information, thank you”.

I walk away. Feeling breathless. I need to review class lecture notes.

It is not at all like this Scary Movie; this one is funny. My movie is not.

As a reader and a learner, I want to feel like I am sitting in that moment engaging in the story, not lost in a horror movie.

I am transitioning from lived experience and practitioner into scholarship researcher. This changes the way I see things. I am growing. It involves moving beyond passive consumption of knowledge and towards active production of new knowledge with critical interrogation of ideas within my data. Increasing my capacity to navigate ambiguity and uncertainty by celebrating small wins is a big part of my journey, this is ongoing and what keeps me moving forward.

Sharing this personal experience helps me place sensations into words and then continue the conversation more openly with the scholarly community.

This is where I am at right now.

Take Away

I now know my own limitations; self-awareness helps; these feelings lasted throughout my training and into the first two years of social work practice.

I have learned to tolerate intense emotions so I can hold my own trauma and be there for others, understanding my own window of tolerance was one part of the process.

I am on a different journey now. I found GRIT.

On a closing fieldnote, unlike coronial, medical records and forensic reports that serve a particular purpose of investigation. In learning, I want to understand experiences from biological, psychological, social, cultural, economic and legal context. I want to see stories with socially diverse worldviews that see the person first.

What style of reading do you enjoy?

(or share your favourite writers on Substack in the comments)

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Acknowledgements

Esmari, is a brilliant writer and fellow Australian, sharing her journey at Gathering the pieces of me where she has created a quiet place for remembering and becoming, rediscovering worth and the courage of blooming again.

Shawn Sékou Bonney is a mother, grandmother, and advocate for families impacted by incarceration. Through her work with the Appleberry Prison Foundation, she shares lived experiences that highlight the power of love, honesty, and resilience in maintaining family connections across distance. Shawn believes that healing grows stronger when stories are told with courage and compassion and that every family deserves dignity and hope, no matter where they begin.

is a neurodivergent solo mama writing about rest, healing, and parenting with chronic illness. Creating a peaceful, playful home, simplifying self-care, and cultivating a supportive community.

Level of learning often feels like an ‘emotional hangover’ a term used by in the publication .

I am Alice has written a beautiful memoir worth reading. Her personal transformation story centres Alice’s journey within personal loss and healing, self-discovery, and creative purpose.

Continue reading…

Here I am engaging in reflexivity to tracking the third year of my PhD through reflective journalling, storytelling of authentic personal experiences, thoughts and interactions within the social world, grounded in human experience and wholehearted love.

These reflective essays are for you if…

• you are a deep thinker and knowledge holder

• you are overthinking every decision, every feeling, every word

• you are curious about the social world and how it influences your life

• you are on a mission to understand yourself and reflect on your life

• you believe in social justice for all

• above all else, you love to have fun and a little pop culture.

I see you. I hear you. I want to write with you and for you. I am on a mission to find my inner writer’s voice that belongs to me.

PhD Journey

The day I started my PhD I had dreamt of flying away to somewhere amazing to present my research study and reward myself with a little holiday. Never in my wildest dreams I thought I would be travelling to Singapore. The advice was stay in Australia.

I quietly wanted an overseas trip! This was my reward. I achieved it. Yay!

I am preparing to have a little fun and explore the beautiful city with a fellow PhD, go out for dinners and book in some tours.

The first two years, however, were a rollercoaster of a ride, holding down a senior social work role I didn’t want to let go of, family responsibilities, writing a research proposal, designing the study, ethics applications, and recruitment of participants. Which included long days, but my weekends were free. Lots of lessons learned during this period for me to reflect on privately. The process redesigned my research and my thinking itself, forcing me to tolerate ambiguity, rethink assumptions, critically questions everything, and learn that progress is often invisible until suddenly, it makes sense. Fast forward to third year and I am still waiting for it, I am embracing ambiguity.

Here I present my abstract for my PhD research study that will has been accepted into the HERDSA Singapore Conference.

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My Why

As a Czechoslovakian refugee I settled in Australia with my family in 1986. During my earlier years and throughout my adulthood within the Australian education I faced several obstacles as a Culturally and Linguistically Diverse (CALD). These obstacles were mainly environmental, cultural, language, social and psychological.

As a learner with intergeneration trauma experiences of war and migration to Australia I have encountered various systems of knowledge and meaning of new cultural norms, different historical narratives and experiences of marginalisation as a culturally and linguistically diverse student belonging to a minority group. Loss of language and connection over familiar language phrases, greetings, movies and music was incredibly difficult and isolating. My knowledge of the world has been influenced by how knowledge is formed and accepted through lived experiences within the three generations of my family. My beliefs are constructed through intergenerational storytelling where families’ experiences of war and trauma constructed from individuals’ perspective and view of the world. These were reinforced through cultural practices. My experiences as a refugee influenced my understanding of social context in Australia and during displacement and resettlement which are reflections of the experiences of living within the Soviet regime, migration policies and education systems.

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The Motivator

As an educator I experienced a critical incident in the classroom where a student had a sudden dissociative response to a case discussion related to a child abuse, we discuss these in detail. I was concerned for her wellbeing during learning; our discussions aim to be sensitive, however explicit exploring of details are important, this is necessary during the training to prepare students for the field. She disclosed to me that it reminded her of her childhood experiences, she reassured me she was okay. In that moment, as a learner I recalled how I felt when case studies related to experiences of refugees, displacement and intergenerational trauma were discussed. I remember feeling like this as a learner, re-experiencing my world in the classroom, but I was too ashamed to let the educator know, I hid it, some might say I became an expert at masking. As a social worker with a social justice lens, I wanted to understand how students can be supported in their learning journey. As an educator I wanted to understand what methods of learning trauma-related content would achieve success and wellbeing for the student.

This experienced has led me to design a research study, with a whole academic-researcher and institutional industry tribe to support during my investigations. For this I am grateful.

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The Abstract

Title: Investigating social work students’ and educators’ experiences and perspectives of how trauma impacts learning and teaching trauma-related content.

Background: Social Work education has captivated students from equity backgrounds for over 40 years some of whom have experienced some form of trauma in their lifetime, Research highlights concerns for Social Work students’ wellbeing during learning of trauma-related content which claims to impact their wellbeing and success. This study investigates (a) how students’ affective, cognitive, and psychomotor learning domains are affected during learning trauma-related content (b) how students prepare to learn and (c) what teaching and learning methods achieve student wellbeing and success.

Description: The study co-constructs a theory of teaching and learning using Constructivist Grounded Theory methodology to build on Trauma-Informed Pedagogy in the Higher education sector. Trauma and Resilience Informed Research Principles guided researcher’s preparation, interview processes, distress protocol and self-care strategies used in the research process.

Method: Qualitative interviews with students (n=22), educators (n=10) and teaching and learning artefacts from the Bachelor of Social Work programs across two Australian Universities. Data analysis occurred in continuous comparison method of collection, coding, memo-writing, and sorting until theoretical saturation is achieved.

Evidence: The study will report on the preliminary findings on the impact of trauma-related content on the three learning domains, students’ preparation, methods of teaching and learning.

Contribution: The study further develops the Trauma Informed Pedagogy within social work and equity groups in the higher education literature.

Engagement: Stories and reflective group discussion.

Sociologists’ positivist approach is defined by the English sociologist John Goldthorpe as;

Sociology is the study of human social behaviour. It represents an attempt to apply to the study of human society, the same scientific method and approach that has been so dramatically successful in yielding an understanding of the physical world (Aarons & Willis, 2023, p. 32).

Sociologist don’t disregard the spiritual or biological perspectives, instead sociologist widen those experiences and perspectives and examine broader society influences on individuals. Social workers practice in the field with individuals and groups which is wholistic and values biological, psychological, cultural, social and legal lenses. sociologist study individuals in social worlds and interpret these perspectives within social human behaviour and worldview lens, recognising multiples truths and perspectives.

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Take Away

Five things I have learned about following my dream, a mission with a purpose, are;

• Making a difference in people’s lives is why I became a social worker; however, the field is like a systemic battlefield, this led to frustration and burnout, abandoning direct practice is an intentional choice;

• Research is inherently a form of political action to examine social structures and improve the outcomes for students and educators, because they deserve it;

• Widening my perspective beyond my lived experience of intergenerational trauma has been incredibly healing and along the way I have proved to myself what is possible;

• I found GRIT, it has been a game changer!

• With hard work comes rewards, my reward is a trip to Singapore.

Help me prepare for the conference and articulate my research, please ask me a question?

Continue reading…

References

Agllias, K. (2012). Keeping safe: Teaching undergraduate social work students about interpersonal violence. Journal of Social Work Practice, 26(2), 259-274.

Anderson, R. K., Landy, B., & Sanchez, V. (2023). Trauma-Informed Pedagogy in Higher Education: Considerations for the Future of Research and Practice. Journal of Trauma Studies in Education, 2(2), 125-140.

Bishop, J., & Williams-Hecksel, C. (2023). Career Outcomes and Past Trauma Exposure of MSW Graduates of a Trauma Treatment Certificate Program. Journal of Teaching in Social Work, 43(1), 85-98.

Blaisdell, H. A. (2024). The Right Time for Process (ing): Trauma-Informed and Student-Informed Care Pedagogy in FYC at the Two-Year College (Doctoral dissertation, Middle Tennessee State University).

Butler, L. D., Carello, J., & Maguin, E. (2017). Trauma, stress, and self-care in clinical training: Predictors of burnout, decline in health status, secondary traumatic stress symptoms, and compassion satisfaction. Psychological Trauma: Theory, Research, Practice, and Policy, 9(4), 416.

Butler, L. D., Maguin, E., & Carello, J. (2018). Retraumatization mediates the effect of adverse childhood experiences on clinical training-related secondary traumatic stress symptoms. Journal of Trauma & Dissociation, 19(1), 25-38.

Carello, J. (2018). Retraumatization during MSW training: A trauma-informed narrative approach (Doctoral dissertation, State University of New York at Buffalo).

Cavener, J., & Lonbay, S. (2022). Enhancing ‘best practice’ in trauma-informed social work education: insights from a study exploring educator and student experiences. Social Work Education, 1-22.

Cunningham, M. (2004). Teaching social workers about trauma: Reducing the risks of vicarious traumatization in the classroom. Journal of social work education, 40(2), 305-317.

Gere, S. H. (1999). Integrating clinical, personal and academic knowledge: Faculty reflections on training student trauma survivors in social work and psychology. Simmons College School of Social Work.

Gilin, B., & Kauffman, S. (2015). Strategies for Teaching About Trauma to Graduate Social Work Students. Journal of Teaching in Social Work, 35(4), 378-396.

Gladden, J., Weller, B. E., Hernandez, A., & Hopkins, A. (2023). Teaching trauma content in higher education: A systematic literature review. Trauma, Violence, & Abuse, 24(5), 3384-3397.

Hanson, J. G., & McCullagh, J. G. (1995). Career choice factors for BSW students: 10 years perspective. Journal of Social Work Education, 31 (1), 28-37.

Shannon, P. J., Simmelink-McCleary, J., Im, H., Becher, E., & Crook-Lyon, R. E. (2014). Experiences of stress in a trauma treatment course. Journal of Social Work Education, 50(4), 678-693.

Strand, V. C., Abramovitz, R., Layne, C. M., Robinson, H., & Way, I. (2014). Meeting the critical need for trauma education in social work: A problem-based learning approach. Journal of Social Work Education, 50(1), 120-135.

Before you continue, I wanted to let you know that this is not for you if you find the word f*ck offensive it's used in this post. I know, I don’t normally swear but this situation really called for it. I am learning that I am not just learning, I am on a seriously, confusion, emotionally charged and time-consuming journey with many demands along the way. Not only am I battling the inner critic monsters every day, but I also have to contain them inside. I can’t do this anymore, I am ready to let them out, please meet my monster… they are kind of cute and cuddly bunch.

PhD Journey

I am at the stage of my research where I am thinking a lot, reading a lot more and spending too much time in my own head. Then I am pushing through the writing, reviewing my data with very little time for fun, family and friends. The pressure is real. Quietly without letting anyone know I am crumbling inside. My hubby asked: Are you okay Kat? I was ready to burst into a sobbing mess when Heath Franklin popped into my social media feed. WTF!

The universe showed me a sign, a path that I needed to follow. This is a light-hearted take on my thought process; navigating well intended feedback, advice, support and writing my chapter.

The Creative Stress Release

I usually cook nice meals over the weekend, it relaxes me, kids get involved by baking their own treats too. Flicking through my recipe book I quickly spiralled into what is my thesis recipe? Do I need one? Yes, I do. So here I am!

Ingredients

• 1 overly ambitious research question (slightly undercooked)

• 30 pages of thesis notes (well referenced, with a creative touch)

• 7 contradictory theories

• 1 Perfectionist voice (optional but recommended for flavour)

• 13 rabbit holes (freshly dug free-range preferred)

• 1 cup of I’ll come back to this later

• A pinch of PINK song lyrics on beautiful trauma that doen’t quite fit

• 4 screens opened simultaneously while analyse my intellectually formed diary entries, thinking what did I actually do?

• Half a citation, who is Hall 2001?

• 7 old versions of the thesis chapter filled same information but worded differently

• 2 tablespoons of wait…I have another idea!

Step-by-Step Cooking Method

One, preheat my brain to Overthinking (200°C).
Begin by asking a simple, innocent question like: What is the impact of trauma on learning? Immediately expand it into 5-part philosophical inquiries involving history, sociology, psychology, and whether cats have opinions about me.

Two, marinate in indecision.
Write my title. Delete it. Rewrite it. Replace it with Working Title (Temporary) this is its final form. I wonder what other tricky questions I will be asked? Is it clear? To me ….yes, to others no. Just copy’ titles.'

Three, mix everything into a chapter in a thoughtful way.
This includes adding every thought I have ever had, including:

• Favourite lyrics of songs that plays while analysing data

• Unrelated facts like why I am colour coding my text in pink, why not green!

• A paragraph about how time is a social construct and wondering about who invented time because I have a bone to pick with them!

Don’t worry about structure. Structure is for people with direction. I clearly have none… yet! (better add the yet in so I can hold on to hope)

Four, introduce rabbit holes gradually.
Start with cats. Snowballed into these questions, this bit is important because it is also my sampling strategy:

• Why do the fries taste so good at the uni café?

• Who were the female researchers in the 19th Century?

• Why do I find socks all over the house?

• Why does the cat pee in my bed? (If you know why please let me know!)

Stir gently, be gentle with myself here, allowing connections to almost form, then abandon them completely.

Five, season with contradictions.
On page 12, confidently state a conclusion.
On page 13, completely dismantle it, with evidenced citation.
On page 14, apologise to myself, just everyone, keep saying sorry for misunderstanding.
On page 15, pretend none of it happened, start the next day with fresh hope I will finish it. Feel proud I am moving my writing forward. I am listening to my coaches, mentors and filling up pages with words (glad no one mentioned quality or placed high expectation on this bit).

On page 80, what's the research question again.

Six, add citations and consider structure but not important,

Find out what grey literature means and gather from various sources to widen my lens, don’t limit yourself to credible sources, get creative and include;

• Random family quotes and jokes

• Poems, one liners or statements AI suggested

• Funny stories that are ethically flawed.

The goal is using creativity to discover my genius, not accuracy, leave perfectionism at the door. Maybe let it in sometimes and argue with it. Then slam the door in its face. This builds inner strength. Just don’t tell anyone or they might give you a diagnosis (it's not masking, just surviving societal judgements)

Seven, fold in emotional instability.

Sprinkle thoughts such as: This might actually be genius quickly followed by this is definitely nonsense then get validation from feedback.

• Did cats invent post it notes? followed by Am I the cat? Well… I am a Kat.

Eight, let it simmer for 6000 words, remember what the clever coach said, just write!

It sounds like a Nike ads for a perfectionist. Just do it. Set the timer for 30 minutes and go! Then stop, be gentle with yourself, then harden the f*ck up and go again!

• Write every detail of the process even the bits that don’t seem important now, they will be.

• Share your ideas, then respond to feedback…My plan is to have one methodology chapter, no, split them into two, no, merge them into one

• 16, 000 words later, this is too long! It needs to be shortened.

• Read more wider, more specific, just read.

• Keep the tone confidently uncertain, inconclusive, open-ended. Stay true to your methodology choices.

• There is no one truth, multiple truths exist – well said - stay within the constructivist theoretical framework, projecting X-File vibes of the truth is out there, love that show. Yes ‘I want to believe’ too.

  

  Photo Credit: 'The X-Files': Vince Gilligan Looks Back on 'Bad Blood'

• Raise more questions, question everything. What is truth? Why truth? Whose truth? Am I losing my sanity?

• Remember to justify every decision you make during this process.

Nine, now stir in the synthesis of ideas

• What? go wide, now narrow? now wide? now detail, that’s too much detail!

• Write sentences and paragraphs that tell a compelling story, have a sound structure with no grammar or no spelling errors. Remember to proofread. Are they reinforcing perfection? Ok perfectionism is in again.

• Be reassured this is an important part of the writing process. I am now developing a researcher identity. Isn’t this fun!

• Stay resilient or leave.

• Ignore all other responsibility including family, friends, personal hygiene, meal breaks or fun. Just write. Keep the dog and cat close for company. Since when did I have a cat? Side note: she arrived in April, remember she is homeless. Oh.

Ten, final touch: write conclusions, this is important!
End the chapter with an open-end conclusion to lead into the next chapter.

• Done. Send. Bliss. Wait for feedback.

Serving Suggestions

• Pair with icy dirty chai latte and optimism it will pass for intellectual work. Stay open to scrutiny and harden the f*ck up.

• Best enjoyed by scholars who slowly flip through it, frowning and provide soul crushing critical feedback. This is character building.

Take aways (I have many)

A research blogger advised me I need to include takeaways. I am listening so here are my;

• Humour is how we cope with despair. I inject it into teaching. My participant said. I listened. First timer in session.

• Note to self: logic is overrated confusion that builds deeply humanised research output in an age of AI is critical for authenticity.

• No AI was used to produce this written work or was it?

• Challenge every idea, but what if…?

• Apologise profusely so they don’t question your mental state, (mask it and ignore all professional advice) it’s called taking accountability, for my curiosity.

• Book in a counselling session weekly, in the absence of this, harden the f*ck up.

• Be resilient, if you don’t have it, quit now.

Peaches is living with us at the moment until her family finds a home.

How do you use humour?

Acknowledgements

This idea was inspired by reading and the use of humour in his publications as he shares his lived experiences of addiction and mental health. Funny man with a generous heart.

Thanks to coach, caring nurse, academic who supports PhDs. Legend and a really kind person.

A fellow PhD across the globe who is currently writing a thesis too , her research related articles are The Arctic Files, absolutely fascinating. We are in the same boat!

A fellow social worker and lived experience of perfectionist during her PhD I really value your insight into your journey.

Continue reading…

This quote by Raewyn Connell really keeps me going. Thinking back on my two years in the program and I actually thought and felt quite the opposite, my view has changed.

This change in view has led me to this post where new thoughts and ideas about a topic are easy to collect, note in a notebook or follow the curious pull wherever it may pull you. Learning and researching ideas now are less like a task and more like a gentle question that I ask myself when I see an idea in my data, it is an invitation to follow my curiosity wherever it naturally drifts to, but I set limits.

In life I have found myself going down various rabbit holes, and this felt okay and absorbed a lot of my time with nothing to show for it, just more ideas and more rabbit holes.

PhD Journey

In my graduate research these rabbit holes need to circle back to my central research question, this forces me gently to maintain my focus. Here I give myself permission to pause and ask myself how does this related to answering the central question? why does this matter to me here and now? It gives me permission to slow down and reflect, work out what needs my energy and attention in the moment, I notice what pulls my attention and questioning it. In research and learning new ideas and concepts becomes softer, kinder, adventurous and playful. I let my curiosity move in the direction of my purpose of answering my research question.

I’ve learned that my mind doesn’t follow straight lines it loops and wanders off track. My learning is creative and a little unconventional, the kind that starts with one question and tumbles into five more before I’ve even finished the first paragraph. I follow sparks: a sentence that makes me pause, a contradiction that irritates me, I return to it and rewrite it few more times before moving forward. I look inward, outward and forward, something I wrote about in earlier articles.

I don’t try to make it elegant anymore. It is the tension I hold between my imperfection and the need for perfection.

I include many curious wanderings into the first few drafts and then filter through revision, after revision to find the clear path. I wonder if this makes me appear clueless or not clearly understanding concepts and complex ideas. I just have so many questions.

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Your Mini-Guide

Think of this mini-guide as a gentle companion sitting with you in time of writing, reflecting and movement towards finishing your next piece of work.

Here are ten ways I remain actively engaged in my learning as I explore ideas in my data;

1. Start with an idea, what matters to me, what do I want to know more about this idea

Ideas appear from my data, what participants have said, felt or wondered. Through this methodology I am able to follow these wonderings and explore them further. These have taken me down many rabbit holes which feels indulging but not productive. I move towards writing my ideas in keywords and phrases into my research diary instead. These don’t make sense to me at the moment. I’ve learned to trust that early messiness or abstraction of ideas, because it’s in that loose, wandering space that the most interesting connections start to appear.

2. I develop a question from the ideas I have gathered

I begin to wonder what is it that I want to learn about, what am I seeing, what do I need to know about the idea or topic. I start asking myself and thinking about the questions. Scribbling them down and reshaping them takes a little playful time, but this part is important. I play Thinking about you by Dustin Lynch and MacKenzie Porter to get me thinking.

3. I become curious about what I read and question this continuously

I have spent most of my teenage years in public libraries and I recall sitting in a book aisle researching a topic of personal interest and reading books beyond my comprehension. This included scientific books, articles, research papers, newsletters, blogs and even the odd sentence that catches my eye in a place I didn’t expect in quotes. I still remain this curious and wonder about topics. Each source gives me a different texture of insight: some are dense and technical, others light and conversational, some create discomfort and some move me, many sit somewhere in between. I like moving between them, asking the question I want answered, remaining curious and open to different ideas. In this stage I give myself a timeframe that feels right for me and my timelines for managing this project.

4. I batch my sources of readings together

Saving time is a skill motherhood taught me, I batch a lot of tasks like appointments, planning kids’ activities, paying bills, meal prep, it’s a way of life for our family, that is how we keep moving forward. So, I transferred this knowledge and skill into my research, I started to batch read or listen to audio versions of research articles, books, podcasts and then give myself time and space to absorb, process and reflect on what I am learning from different sources. I group these into scientific, practice, meetings and grey publication categories.

5. Recording my thoughts and understanding about what I am learning

I return to my central question here again before I start writing notes and note it on the top of my page. This keeps me returning back to my purpose and my ‘why’. Notetaking is a personal choice; I have taken messy notes from conversations to structured note taking for literature reviews or annotation of book chapters. This part is personal. One thing that remains the same I keep a record of these thoughts returning to them later to rewrite and shape the story that emerges. It’s a living process, one that lets my curiosity wander while still gently guiding me back to what matters - the meaning making, the central question. This keeps me active in the learning process. I stop researching before the information before it turns into a spaghetti bolognaise.

6. The messy first drafts this is when I make sense of the ideas first

The first draft is when I let my creativity flow, random thoughts and wonderings about the topic and potential answers to the questions. I recall getting lost in my writing and the creative flow. These days I stop after 30 minutes. Sometimes 60. It preserves my energy. It is my circuit breaker.

7. Understanding my own lens and how I view the ideas

As a constructivist researcher I have a lens that is shaped by my own values, professional values and personal experiences of a refugee, this enables me to view a topic from that particular lens and worldview. I have the belief that people do not just receive knowledge they build it through their experiences, interactions and interpretations. Instead of looking for one fixed truth, as a constructivist researcher I strive to understand how different people make meaning in their own worlds. I pay close attention to context, personal perspectives, and the way ideas evolve over time. In simple terms, I study how humans construct understanding, rather than assuming knowledge exists independently waiting to be discovered.

8. This is the time I start to shape my ideas on the topic

Now I am meaning making, closely examining who says what about the topic and what lens and perspective they are viewing the topic. I am making sense of the idea and topic. I am also comparing what has challenged my thinking, beliefs and values about the topic. I write down other experts in the field that either share or disagree with the idea, or perhaps they look at it from a different lens.

9. I continue to find myself questioning my data and what I am reading all the time, it sometimes feels critical, inquisitive and skeptical like I am interrogating the data in the courtroom

Reflexivity leads me to critically interrogating what I am learning what I am seeing in my data. This keeps me actively thinking and learning in my research but in a slow thoughtful way. It’s really about slowing down the words in my head enough to notice the assumptions I am carrying and gently asking whether they still hold up, and for who, whose voice am I using. It’s the practice of pausing when something feels too uncomfortable or different and turning it over to see what might be hiding underneath. Challenging assumptions doesn’t mean dismissing everything or criticising others it means staying open, curious, and willing to let your understanding widen as I encounter new ideas in my data. This part often feels like an episode of Law and Order, SVU. I love that show.

Law and Order Courtroom Scene: The Interrogation of Data

10. This is the part that gets me to finally write it, shape it, review it and reshape it on a page

This part feels the most rewarding, not every idea deserves to be in my thesis, not every topic deserves my attention, I need to get critical here, those that do land on my page and I get to write them in a meaningful way. This is where, again, I circle back to my central question, the idea, the topic I am working on. There’s a gentle sense of achievement that what I am saying matters, and that saying it to someone will help them move forward with shaping their idea into meaning making. It turns writing from expression into impact, and you can feel that change in the energy in the words. I give myself a hard self imposed timeline here and send it off for feedback. No excuse. Press send.

On a closing fieldnote, thank you for being here with me and sharing this journey of learning with me. Actively learning how to research feels like riding a rollercoaster more than a gentle practice. However, learning to be gentle with myself along the way is what keeps me returning. It also reminds me to keep activity participate in my knowledge, learning and growing… even when it feels difficult at times.

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Photo source: My Thoughts on: A Beautiful Mind (2001) | Film Music Central

Ron Howard’s A Beautiful Mind offers more than a biographical portrait of mathematician John Nash; it provides a compelling reflection on the psychological and emotional landscape many university students navigate alone and in silence. Set largely within the academic world, the film portrays both the intellectual allure and the intense pressures of higher education, making it especially resonant for students.

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As a PhD student changing the way, I speak to myself has never felt like a single strategy kind of moment, although I am well aware of the benefits of reframing, practicing this with myself has become a challenge. It’s been more like learning to hold my own hand after years of pretending I didn’t need the comfort, its being an adult and learning to fend for yourself.

For me, quotes have become small lifelines, gentle reminders that slip into the cracks of old thinking and help me breathe a little easier. They offer language for things I never knew how to say to myself, especially on the days when my inner voice feels sharp or tired or shaped by experiences, I’m still learning to heal from.

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When I read a line like “Talk to yourself as you would to someone you love” or “You are allowed to be both a masterpiece and a work in progress,” my self-talk changes. These words don’t erase the past or magically rewrite the stories I’ve carried, but they do give me a different starting point for the day or how I think about a situation. They help me interrupt the familiar self‑criticism and replace it with something kinder, and more truthful.

This post is my way of honouring that slow and gentle way of changing our self-talk, that offers kindness, courage moves us toward a compassionate way to gently influence our inner voice.

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Here is a small collection of quotes I have collected over time and really enjoy sharing them. They live in journals, post it notes, notebooks and on my walls in my studio and PhD office. When I feel the need for one to stay with me that particular day or week, I write it down somewhere where I can see it.

A reminder of what to do when I feel lost…

“If we knew what we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?” — Albert Einstein

I am working to embody this…

“Study the science of art. Study the art of science. Develop your senses – especially learn how to see. Realize that everything connects to everything else.”- Leonardo da Vinci

I felt this today… I felt lighter…

“People carry around their stories forever in their cells. And once you get it out of you and onto the page – you’re never going to forget it. But it’s not as heavy. A lot of it [writing] is lightening the load.” – Nancy Slonim Aronie

I am trying to live by this…

“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.” - Brené Brown

I wonder what feeling included feels like …

“No one belongs until everyone belongs.” — Unknown

This feels grounding in the seasons…

Self-doubt is a weather system; it passes. Plant your feet and wait for the sun. – Jonas Fletcher

I can relate to this…

“It is the tension between creativity and skepticism that has produced the stunning and unexpected findings of science.” - Carl Segan

This quote convinced me to take my laptop outside today and continue writing…

“We think reconnecting with nature is going to be this moment of buying a pair of hiking boots and getting outdoors. Honestly, what it might actually look like is taking a Zoom call outside or just spending five more minutes outdoors. It’s about taking micro-steps that lead to a macro shift in our lives.”— Pattie Gonia

This feels grounding in the seasons…

Self-doubt is a weather system; it passes. Plant your feet and wait for the sun. – Jonas Fletcher

I find myself doing my best when…

“Turn ‘I can’t’ into ‘I can try’ and watch the world respond differently.” – Hannah Li

This really speaks to me…

Feeling like a fraud is not a secret you must face alone; it’s a human signal to reassess unrealistic expectations.– Dr. Aisha Kane

I love this quote, I can relate, I am always planning my writing while doing dishes, walking or attending to another part of my life.

“The best time for planning a book is while you’re doing the dishes.”

—Agatha Christie

I need to remind myself this every day, this is why I am taking time to do a PhD…

“10 or 20 years from now… You will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do.”

~Mark Twain

The greatest weakness lies in giving up…

“The most certain way to succeed is to always try just one more time.”

~Thomas Edison

On a closing studio note, this was such a meaningful article for me to write, a little personal, a little sciencey, a gentle practice I nurture every day and I hope you enjoy it. A final closing quote from one of my favourite female artists;

This one will stay with me today…

“Do not allow people to dim your shine because they are blinded. Tell them to put on some sunglasses.” - Lady Gaga

I would love to know which one resonates with you, please share your thoughts in the comments.

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I decided to quit my job, start of February, to become a substacker… just kidding but wouldn’t it be nice, but blogging is a good part of the reason and journey. I realised the work and my career will still be there, with the same opportunities and challenges. It was time to take a pause and focus on developing my PhD and all thing experiences that come with it like attending events, conferences, workshops, writing and doing the research! This was a difficult decision, I loved my job at the school, but I loved my PhD more, I couldn’t do it all.

If you are new year, here is where it all started…

There were just not enough hours in the day.

Quitting my job is a HUGE financial decision, and there is no secret that Australian PhDs live in poverty.

Despite a slight poverty issue, which is not fun to navigate with three kids, hungry mouths to feed, afterschool activities to pay for, no real holidays, endless shopping requests and daily essential luxuries (including food and petrol these days). It was the best decision I needed to make in this time of my life. The best way I can describe this moment is with the movie Friends with Money. It is comedy about four friends, Jennifer Aniston, 55, contemplates the meaning of midlife after she quits her job and becomes a maid for a living.

Photo credit: Friends with Money Movie Review | Common Sense Media

“Let all your moments of self-doubt, fear, or disappointment fuel your drive to be great.” – Devin McCourty

I love this quote, although it doesn’t happen every time, I do strive to let my self-doubt, fear and disappointment fuel my strength to move forward.

It isn’t a midlife crisis. It is a normal stage of my life, according to Erikson this stage of life 30-65 is really focusing on ‘contribution to society and be part of a family’.

It is reassuring to know that in this stage of life, the generative vs stagnation begins to show up in our desires for new ways of living and aligning with our social identity. I found that I am wishing to contribute to the next generation more and the desire grew stronger to be part of a community that leans towards researching and writing (generativity). I wanted to activity engage in this gentle redirection in my development as I grew older, perhaps I have learned a few things along my journey. The alternative is the stagnation stages, this is where I would fall into my own trap with no personal growth, feelings of emptiness and disconnection.

I am consciously stepping in to learning, growing through reflection and formal training in my PhD

Learning and growing is important to me as an individual and as a mother. I want to model accessible education and working for passion to my children. I want to model how to follow dreams. So they can see that and feel that is possible in their life.

It was about prioritising my family, flexible way of working and living. It created more opportunities for writing, my days became filled with more meaningful conversations and experiences.

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It allowed me to slow down, process and move towards something tangible that I desired throughout my career and develop those skills. A gentle ambition lived inside of me that never really went away. Making room for what really mattered is part of this story.

I love this quote; it represents existence for me and what I can control and what I can improve on later. Life has taken an interesting turn, my household is full of mini bosses keeping me accountable for my time and how I spend it. I find myself negotiating with my family about my time at home and blogging.

Surviving NOT Thriving

10 ways I continue to be accountable for ‘mummy’s home time’ while in my third PhD year. I continue to convince my family I am working hard while they are not at home.

One, I created a ‘In Meeting’ door sign that says: “Mummy is in a meeting for 60 minutes with a person you don’t know, you have to get your own drink, snack and work out arguments together”.

Two, I put on my work clothes in the morning, and say: YES mummy is still working on a really big and important project.

Three, I ask my family how their days was, naturally they ask the same question back at the end of each day, I am required to provide them with a detailed description on how I used my time.

Four, no washing duties during worktime, I may be flexible, but I can’t do housework while focusing on data analysis, yes, the laundry is still in the washing baskets, and it is waiting to be done.

Five, meal prepping most Sundays helps with organisation and letting the family know I am actually busy Monday - Friday.

Six, I have picked up some casual teaching contracts, this means kids: when I don’t work, I don’t get paid and I am not spending money on Robux

Seven, when family drops in, they can see I am working, in my studio, both PCs on, analysing, writing, reading, it’s an opportunity for me to debrief if I am struggling.

Eight, all shopping is done outside of ‘working hours’, gently remind them when they say in the morning, if you go to the shops can you please get… [the thing]

Nine, school hours are my working hours. Not negotiable, my holidays are during school holidays, but teaching and marking overlaps most of the time.

Ten, no I haven’t picked up the dog poop, I am still working. Writing a blog is a big part of developing my ‘writing practice’.

As I am writing these down, they feel deceitful, a little cringe to share, but this is my reality and one way I protect my PhD time and feel productive in my days.

On a closing studio note, thank you for being here with me for a little while and sharing this journey with me. It still amazes me how words can sprinkle the page when I have something pressing to on my mind. I hope these words find their way to someone who may need them. If anything in this piece stayed with you, even for a moment, I’m grateful. And if you’re carrying something heavy today, I hope this offered a small pocket of ease. Until next time, may you move through your hours with a bit more gentleness and self-love.

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Stepping into my third year of the doctorate feels less like crossing a threshold and more like returning to a landscape I’m finally beginning to understand. This path is still moving, but it no longer feels foreign. I can sense the direction I have carved through reading, writing, questioning, and circling back again in a non-linier kind of way.

If you are new here, you may want to go to the beginning where it all started…

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PhD Journey

What? - This year carries a different weight. Not heavier just more intentional that is interconnecting all the lessons I have learned along the way. The early years were about gathering readings, literature reviews, research proposals, ideas, reviewing theories, choosing methods and methodology, formulating research questions I wasn’t yet ready to ask aloud. Now the work feels deeper and richer in its nature, with deeper reflections that feel at the time emotionally tense.

I’m noticing how my research diary has become a companion rather than a requirement. It’s where I trace my research movements, decisions of my thinking, where I let myself be vulnerable. It is a practice of longing enough for it to teach me something. This process feels deeply personal and professional in one entry. I grow as a person as well as research at the same time.

If the first year was about orientation, research proposals and research ethics applications. Receiving regular mentoring. Managing the balance of work, life, love, research, and self-care. Noticing imposter syndrome kicking in.

The second year was about promoting my research project, recruiting participants and analysing transcripts of data. Noticing, reviewing and monitoring how my work, life, love and self-care are tracking. Exhaustion was well and being truly present. The imposter syndrome was still hanging around. I wondered why and found this interesting research study.

So what? - According to Wang and Li (2023) scoping review of 30 studies on the impostor syndrome among doctoral students highlights strong links between impostor feelings and mental‑health challenges including anxiety, depression, burnout, and procrastination.

My aha moment arrived reading this particular article, what I found fascinating is that so many studies arrived at similar conclusions. I often don’t name this in my writing perhaps its avoidance, or personal boundaries, maybe it is being mindful of the reader and their experience or being a trauma-informed writer. I even removed details from this paragraph that felt too vulnerable, wondering the value it would give others. I believe the ‘imposter’ feeling for me is deeply seeded in my core beliefs about myself and from my childhood experiences. Life shapes us in mysterious ways. These core beliefs are repeated throughout generations within my family… I traced them back to WWII. Something I will need to feel comfortable about sharing more openly so my research makes sense to the readers, reviewers, knowers and thinkers. This part feels heavy, vulnerable and unexpected. I notice other researchers present their positioning with such ease. Perhaps that’s when I feel it the most, an imposter thoughts creep in “I shouldn’t be here” and “I don’t belong”.

I really liked description of this feeling ‘it feels like walking on the edge of growth’. I wonder if that is when I feel like an imposter, I am learning and I am growing. I don’t have all the answers, but I am working on it.

Now what? - The journey is different for everyone; we all have a different purpose and our writing or research topics that are in some way connected to us. The journey is long with many twists and turns, ups and downs, some moments that are cringy and other moments feel more like awe. Every journey has aha moments, setbacks, progress, a pause and a finish line. All PhD students are in very different stages of life too.

I am in midlife. PhD mum of three.

With a clearer understanding of where these feelings and beliefs come from, my attention intentionally moves my focus to look for concrete evidence that challenges my thoughts and feelings of being an imposter. In the last two years of my doctorate I experienced and celebrated many ‘tiny wins’ along the journey that led to the following big tangible ‘wins’ in my story.

The above is the look Roxy gave me when I celebrated the final submission of another book chapter that I have been working on. This seemed like a long emotionally and psychologically testing process. But just to keep it real, this only followed by a total hard rejection when my final version did ‘fit’ into the book narrative, when my final version of this chapter was rejected.

The above is a LinkedIn post from HERDSA Fellowship group celebrating the completion of the Fellowship program. I completed two years of mentoring in scholarship of teaching and learning. My teaching portfolio has been ratified, and I was informed that I would receive the ‘Fellow’ award at the next conference in Singapore.

My abstract was accepted to present at the HERDSA Annual Conference in Singapore. I am dreaming of a beautiful girl’s trip with fellow PhDs. Celebrating a trip to Singapore, a country I have never been too before, I am really excited about this trip.

And here we are now. The start of my third year begins at the end of April 2026

Photos from of my week, sharing what I am consuming and creating.

Photos from my week, sharing how I release what I consume and create.

Time to pause and take a mini retreat.

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This photo is a reminder I need to bring mini retreats into my days.

One of my research diaries where I document my thoughts, ideas and reflections.

"Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.” — Dr. Seuss

On a closing fieldnote, When I sit with what I’ve learned, I try to honour it by giving it space to breathe before I turn it into something shareable. I find when releasing these reflections into words, I’m not just documenting the learning; I’m transforming my inner hive.

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I wanted to use this space to track my experiences as a graduate researcher in the final year. Each entry will become a small act of noticing, wondering, what sparked my interest, what challenged my assumptions, what ideas stayed with me long after I closed the book or stepped away from the work. Here I am returning to the page regularly, I practice my attention, deepen my reflexivity, and create a traceable map of my intellectual and creative process.

There is a lesson in everything, I believe. Some lessons are going to be light, funny and others will be deep and heavy.

My research is in teaching and learning trauma-related content so there will be at times some sensitive material explored. With those post, please be gentle with yourself. Skip what you don’t need to read or want to know about.

Please take your time in digesting, self-loving and pausing when you need a mini retreat.

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PhD Journey

I have learned overtime that reading and writing are two halves of the same creative practice one fills, the other releases. My PhD life is all about absorbing readings, reflecting on what I am reading and then transforming it into written text, in my case a thesis and academic textbooks (if you are curious my work can be found here Tutorial Ideas for Educators on the Run).

When we read, we absorb ideas, stories, words, structures, questions, and possibilities that quietly shape how we think on the page. Stories teach us how experiences are expressed; arguments teach us how ideas hold together; even a single striking sentence can change the way we understand that experience. Over time, this back‑and‑forth becomes a kind of learning, lifelong learning as reading expands our inner library, and writing transforms that influence into something distinctly our own.

Photos from of my week, sharing what I am consuming and creating.

My PhD weeks fill with readings and writing, comparing new ideas with old ideas. There is quite layering that begins to happen where new ideas brush up against old ones, reshaping them, softening them, or sometimes sharpening their edges. Each word that I encounter becomes part of an ongoing conversation, and my writing becomes the place where that conversation settles into clarity. Over time, this pulse starts to beat stronger in the wind of taking in and putting out intellectually rich hive with fragments of breaking down, recombining and nourishing whatever I am working toward next.

Photos from my week, sharing how I release what I consume and create.

I’ve learned throughout my PhD journey that when I release my thoughts onto the page, something inside me loosens too. Letting the work take shape in text feels like giving my mind permission to rewire itself a small act of neuroplasticity in action. Happening while I work. Each sentence becomes a pathway, each reflection a gentle rerouting of old pathways into new possibilities. New ambition. Writing becomes less about getting it “right” and more about allowing my inner hive move, learn and grow in ways it couldn’t if I kept everything contained inside.

Time to pause and take a mini retreat.

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This photo is a reminder I need to bring mini retreats into my days.

The Idol

There are many researchers that have I have admired over the few years, but Brene Browns work not only inspires me it moves me, I fell in love with her methodology and approach to research. I first learned about grounded theory through her work and that’s when I started considering it as an approach before I started my PhD.

Reflection Model

I am using this simple model of reflection to help me understand my process, what works, what does work and where to invest my energy next. This is a tool I would teaching social work students and I would use in practice to guide my reflection and continue learning.

The model was developed by Rolfe et. al. (2021) to deepens the process of understanding and move into reflexivity like a researcher. Its: What? So what? Now what?

Firsts ask about, What? What readings did you find, save and decided are worth keeping? What is the theme?

Second, ask yourself, So what? Write the moment when you were reading. hat changed in your thinking? So, what, why did it matter to you?

Thirdly, ask yourself, Now what? How do these readings align or not align with your personal experience?

One of my research diaries where I document my thoughts, ideas and reflections.

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We are all part of the same life, different paths, connected by one earth. - Katerina Schmitt

I have been thinking about this a lot lately. In times of change, we wonder about who we truly are. Midlife is a natural stage of development that leads to transitions and re-evaluation of purpose and meaning. Social identity and the question of who we are and where our values hold true becomes our main wondering. Have you ever felt the need to re-evaluate your purpose?

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Social Identity

Social identities are the stories we learn to tell ourselves who we are in relation to others, the roles we inhabit, the groups we belong to, and the meanings we attach to those connections. They are influenced by family, culture, religion, job titles we hold and the subtle expectations that drift through our social worlds. They are also shaped by our values and beliefs. They are not fixed; they change over the course of our life. Social identities are both inherited and chosen, both given by others or by birth and continually revised as we move through different stages of life.

Understanding social identities in this way opens up a gentler possibility for ourselves in time of transition and change. If identity is shaped through interaction, then we can participate in shaping it. We can choose the environments that nourish us, the roles that feel true, create meaning in our days, and the small daily micro-actions that align us with who we are becoming.

Science

The concept of social identity has evolved across sociology, psychology, anthropology, and philosophy, highlighting that scholars disagree on when identity became a central topic in the social sciences. While Zygmunt Bauman argues that identity only recently became a major concern, Richard Jenkins traces its roots to early thinkers like William James, Cooley, Mead, and Simmel. The chapter also notes how historical events such as post–World War II anxieties and the Black Power Movement shaped research on both individual and group identities. Hazar Ege Gursoy Erdenay situates social identity as a dynamic, interdisciplinary concept shaped by changing social conditions and scholarly debates.

I particularly like this article by Associate Professor Shashank Yadav in social sciences. Who believes that social identity has shifted from a marginal idea in early Western sociology to a central dynamic concept. While classical thinkers like Mead and Cooley framed identity in socio‑psychological terms, modern scholarship views it as both individual and collective fluid, multifaceted, and continually reshaped by social forces.

The search for identity has become a shared feature of modern life, shaped by the pressures and possibilities of modernity. It is also the time of midlife for many as they transition into a new stage in life where meaning making becomes more important and reflection on the past and future become part of the journey.

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One of my all-time favourite movies is legally blonde. What I like about it is that it is challenging status quo of women in the justice system in a light humours kind of way. Elle Woods played by Reese Witherspoon struggles with her identity and be accepted by fellow law student peers, her feminine energy is beautiful but doesn’t fit into the patriarchy which is a social system where men hold primary power and predominate in roles of political leadership, moral authority, social privilege, and control.

Notebook

Scribble on paper and reflect on how society has shaped you. Ask yourself this central question:

I think, therefore, I am, who am I?

Let your thinking flow, gently and kindly…

1. Notice the stories you tell about yourself
Identity often hides inside the narratives we repeat. What narrative do you tell yourself? Gently question whether those words are still true or simply easier for them to stay.

2. Notice the environments that reflect who you want to be
We become influenced by people and spaces. Choose environments that make you feel who you are becoming, curious, and grounded in authenticity.

3. Practice micro‑actions that match your future self
Identity micro changes through repetition, not reinvention. Small acts of speaking up, saying no, sharing a thought you’d normally hide, taking time to look after yourself first accumulate into a new sense of belief about self.

4. Seek out communities that reflect your values, who is part of your community?
When you spend time with people who value what you value, your identity has room to breathe and grow unconsciousness.

5. Let go of outdated role descriptions
Sometimes we outgrow identities that once kept us safe. You don’t have to reject your past, in fact learn from it, honour it, just loosen your grip on roles that no longer fit.

6. Explore low‑stake identity social experiments
Try on new roles: try a different way of introducing yourself, set up a space for your future self or spend time in a location your future self will visit often. Will your future self be a writer and work from different locations? Try that, see what that feels like. Treat it like a social experiment, take note of your observations of others, how do they respond? notice how you feel?

7. Strengthen the identity you want through language
Use language that aligns with who want to be. I’m learning about… or I am practicing… creates a low-pressure way to re-write your narrative.

8. Notice who you are when you feel most at ease
Your most authentic identity often appears in moments of ease with certain people, in certain places, or during certain activities. Let those moments guide you, take a mental note of these.

9. Create rituals that ground you in your values
Create rituals in your days i.e. to mark the end of work and start of family time, learn that new skill, listen to that podcast, weekly moments for yourself, micro actions that reinforce the version of yourself you want to inhabit. These are evidence that you are moving forward.

10. Allow your identity to evolving over time
Take the pressure off, remembering that identity isn’t a fixed sculpture; it’s a garden that is created and needs to be nurtured, continues growing, changing over time and seasons. You attend to it, prune it, and let it grow in new directions over time. Here you may want to reflect on how culture, family expectations and society have influenced choices in your life.

Take Away

Keep it simple; write a poem, write a note on your mirror, write an entry in your journal, paint a self-portrait, or write an article about on this central question Who am I? Here try letting go of labels if that feels right and move towards focusing on values.

Transition is the only constant we can truly expect. - Lao Tzu

On a closing fieldnote, these reflections are an invitation, not an instruction, a space to notice who you already are and who you are becoming.

I would love to know what journey you are on right now?

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