This is the time I start sharing with you, not just my thinking, but more about me as a person, why I am here doing the research now and my why.

PhD Journey

The day I started my PhD I had dreamt of flying away to somewhere amazing to present my research study and reward myself with a little holiday. Never in my wildest dreams I thought I would be travelling to Singapore. The advice was stay in Australia.

I quietly wanted an overseas trip! This was my reward. I achieved it. Yay!

I am preparing to have a little fun and explore the beautiful city with a fellow PhD, go out for dinners and book in some tours.

Here I present my abstract for my PhD research study that will has been accepted into the HERDSA Singapore Conference.

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My Why

As a Czechoslovakian refugee I settled in Australia with my family in 1986. During my earlier years and throughout my adulthood within the Australian education I faced several obstacles as a Culturally and Linguistically Diverse (CALD). These obstacles were mainly environmental, cultural, language, social and psychological.

As a learner with intergeneration trauma experiences of war and migration to Australia I have encountered various systems of knowledge and meaning of new cultural norms, different historical narratives and experiences of marginalisation as a culturally and linguistically diverse student belonging to a minority group. Loss of language and connection over familiar language phrases, greetings, movies and music was incredibly difficult and isolating. My knowledge of the world has been influenced by how knowledge is formed and accepted through lived experiences within the three generations of my family. My beliefs are constructed through intergenerational storytelling where families’ experiences of war and trauma constructed from individuals’ perspective and view of the world. These were reinforced through cultural practices. My experiences as a refugee influenced my understanding of social context in Australia and during displacement and resettlement which are reflections of the experiences of living within the Soviet regime, migration policies and education systems.

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The Motivator

As an educator I experienced a critical incident in the classroom where a student had a sudden distressing response to a case discussion related to a child abuse case we were discussing as part of the curriculum. I was concerned for her wellbeing during learning; our discussions aim to be sensitive, however explicit exploring of details are important, this is necessary during the training to prepare students for the field. She disclosed to me that it reminded her of her childhood experiences, she reassured me she was okay. In that moment, as a learner I recalled how I felt when case studies related to experiences of refugees, displacement and intergenerational trauma were discussed. I remember feeling like this as a learner, re-experiencing my world in the classroom, but I was too ashamed to let the educator know, I hid it, some might say I became an expert at masking. As a social worker with a social justice lens, I wanted to understand how students can be supported in their learning journey. As an educator I wanted to understand what methods of learning trauma-related content would achieve success and wellbeing for the student.

This experienced has led me to design a research study, with a whole academic-researcher and institutional industry tribe to support during my investigations. For this I am grateful.

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The Abstract

Title: Investigating social work students’ and educators’ experiences and perspectives of how trauma impacts learning and teaching trauma-related content.

Background: Social Work education has captivated students from equity backgrounds for over 40 years some of whom have experienced some form of trauma in their lifetime, Research highlights concerns for Social Work students’ wellbeing during learning of trauma-related content which claims to impact their wellbeing and success. This study investigates (a) how students’ affective, cognitive, and psychomotor learning domains are affected during learning trauma-related content (b) how students prepare to learn and (c) what teaching and learning methods achieve student wellbeing and success.

Description: The study co-constructs a theory of teaching and learning using Constructivist Grounded Theory methodology to build on Trauma-Informed Pedagogy in the Higher education sector. Trauma and Resilience Informed Research Principles guided researcher’s preparation, interview processes, distress protocol and self-care strategies used in the research process.

Method: Qualitative interviews with students (n=22), educators (n=10) and teaching and learning artefacts from the Bachelor of Social Work programs across two Australian Universities. Data analysis occurred in continuous comparison method of collection, coding, memo-writing, and sorting until theoretical saturation is achieved.

Evidence: The study will report on the preliminary findings on the impact of trauma-related content on the three learning domains, students’ preparation, methods of teaching and learning.

Contribution: The study further develops the Trauma Informed Pedagogy within social work and equity groups in the higher education literature.

Engagement: Stories and reflective group discussion.

Sociologists’ positivist approach is defined by the English sociologist John Goldthorpe as;

Sociology is the study of human social behaviour. It represents an attempt to apply to the study of human society, the same scientific method and approach that has been so dramatically successful in yielding an understanding of the physical world (Aarons & Willis, 2023, p. 32).

Sociologist don’t disregard the spiritual or biological perspectives, instead sociologist widen those experiences and perspectives and examine broader society influences on individuals. Social workers practice in the field with individuals and groups which is wholistic and values biological, psychological, cultural, social and legal lenses. sociologist study individuals in social worlds and interpret these perspectives within social human behaviour and worldview lens, recognising multiples truths and perspectives.

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Take Away

Five things I have learned about following my dream, a mission with a purpose, are;

• Making a difference in people’s lives is why I became a social worker; however, the field is like a systemic battlefield, this led to frustration and burnout, abandoning direct practice is an intentional choice;

• Research is inherently a form of political action to examine social structures and improve the outcomes for students and educators, because they deserve it;

• Widening my perspective beyond my lived experience of intergenerational trauma has been incredibly healing and along the way I have proved to myself what is possible;

• I found GRIT, it has been a game changer!

• With hard work comes rewards, my reward is a trip to Singapore.

Help me prepare for the conference and articulate my research, please ask me a question?

Continue reading…

References

Agllias, K. (2012). Keeping safe: Teaching undergraduate social work students about interpersonal violence. Journal of Social Work Practice, 26(2), 259-274.

Anderson, R. K., Landy, B., & Sanchez, V. (2023). Trauma-Informed Pedagogy in Higher Education: Considerations for the Future of Research and Practice. Journal of Trauma Studies in Education, 2(2), 125-140.

Bishop, J., & Williams-Hecksel, C. (2023). Career Outcomes and Past Trauma Exposure of MSW Graduates of a Trauma Treatment Certificate Program. Journal of Teaching in Social Work, 43(1), 85-98.

Blaisdell, H. A. (2024). The Right Time for Process (ing): Trauma-Informed and Student-Informed Care Pedagogy in FYC at the Two-Year College (Doctoral dissertation, Middle Tennessee State University).

Butler, L. D., Carello, J., & Maguin, E. (2017). Trauma, stress, and self-care in clinical training: Predictors of burnout, decline in health status, secondary traumatic stress symptoms, and compassion satisfaction. Psychological Trauma: Theory, Research, Practice, and Policy, 9(4), 416.

Butler, L. D., Maguin, E., & Carello, J. (2018). Retraumatization mediates the effect of adverse childhood experiences on clinical training-related secondary traumatic stress symptoms. Journal of Trauma & Dissociation, 19(1), 25-38.

Carello, J. (2018). Retraumatization during MSW training: A trauma-informed narrative approach (Doctoral dissertation, State University of New York at Buffalo).

Cavener, J., & Lonbay, S. (2022). Enhancing ‘best practice’ in trauma-informed social work education: insights from a study exploring educator and student experiences. Social Work Education, 1-22.

Cunningham, M. (2004). Teaching social workers about trauma: Reducing the risks of vicarious traumatization in the classroom. Journal of social work education, 40(2), 305-317.

Gere, S. H. (1999). Integrating clinical, personal and academic knowledge: Faculty reflections on training student trauma survivors in social work and psychology. Simmons College School of Social Work.

Gilin, B., & Kauffman, S. (2015). Strategies for Teaching About Trauma to Graduate Social Work Students. Journal of Teaching in Social Work, 35(4), 378-396.

Gladden, J., Weller, B. E., Hernandez, A., & Hopkins, A. (2023). Teaching trauma content in higher education: A systematic literature review. Trauma, Violence, & Abuse, 24(5), 3384-3397.

Hanson, J. G., & McCullagh, J. G. (1995). Career choice factors for BSW students: 10 years perspective. Journal of Social Work Education, 31 (1), 28-37.

Shannon, P. J., Simmelink-McCleary, J., Im, H., Becher, E., & Crook-Lyon, R. E. (2014). Experiences of stress in a trauma treatment course. Journal of Social Work Education, 50(4), 678-693.

Strand, V. C., Abramovitz, R., Layne, C. M., Robinson, H., & Way, I. (2014). Meeting the critical need for trauma education in social work: A problem-based learning approach. Journal of Social Work Education, 50(1), 120-135.

Before you continue, I wanted to let you know that this is not for you if you find the word f*ck offensive it's used in this post. I know, I don’t normally swear but this situation really called for it. I am learning that I am not just learning, I am on a seriously, confusion, emotionally charged and time-consuming journey with many demands along the way. Not only am I battling the inner critic monsters every day, but I also have to contain them inside. I can’t do this anymore, I am ready to let them out, please meet my monster… they are kind of cute and cuddly bunch.

PhD Journey

I am at the stage of my research where I am thinking a lot, reading a lot more and spending too much time in my own head. Then I am pushing through the writing, reviewing my data with very little time for fun, family and friends. The pressure is real. Quietly without letting anyone know I am crumbling inside. My hubby asked: Are you okay Kat? I was ready to burst into a sobbing mess when Heath Franklin popped into my social media feed. WTF!

The universe showed me a sign, a path that I needed to follow. This is a light-hearted take on my thought process; navigating well intended feedback, advice, support and writing my chapter.

The Creative Stress Release

I usually cook nice meals over the weekend, it relaxes me, kids get involved by baking their own treats too. Flicking through my recipe book I quickly spiralled into what is my thesis recipe? Do I need one? Yes, I do. So here I am!

Ingredients

• 1 overly ambitious research question (slightly undercooked)

• 30 pages of thesis notes (well referenced, with a creative touch)

• 7 contradictory theories

• 1 Perfectionist voice (optional but recommended for flavour)

• 13 rabbit holes (freshly dug free-range preferred)

• 1 cup of I’ll come back to this later

• A pinch of PINK song lyrics on beautiful trauma that doen’t quite fit

• 4 screens opened simultaneously while analyse my intellectually formed diary entries, thinking what did I actually do?

• Half a citation, who is Hall 2001?

• 7 old versions of the thesis chapter filled same information but worded differently

• 2 tablespoons of wait…I have another idea!

Step-by-Step Cooking Method

One, Preheat my brain to Overthinking (200°C).
Begin by asking a simple, innocent question like: What is the impact of trauma on learning? Immediately expand it into 5-part philosophical inquiries involving history, sociology, psychology, and whether cats have opinions about me.

Two, Marinate in indecision.
Write my title. Delete it. Rewrite it. Replace it with Working Title (Temporary) this is its final form. I wonder what other tricky questions my supervisors will ask me? Is it clear? To me ….yes, to others no. Just copy my supervisors’ titles.

Three, Mix everything into a chapter in a thoughtful way.
This includes adding every thought I have ever had, including:

• Favourite lyrics of songs that plays while analysing data

• Unrelated facts like why I am colour coding my text in pink, why not green!

• A paragraph about how time is a social construct and wondering about who invented time because I have a bone to pick with them!

Don’t worry about structure. Structure is for people with direction. I clearly have none… yet! (better add the yet in so I can hold on to hope)

Four, Introduce rabbit holes gradually.
Start with cats. Snowballed into these questions, this bit is important because it is also my sampling strategy:

• Why do the fries taste so good at the uni café?

• Who were the female researchers in the 19th Century?

• Why do I find socks all over the house?

• Why does the cat pee in my bed? (If you know why please let me know!)

Stir gently, be gentle with myself here, allowing connections to almost form, then abandon them completely.

Five, Season with contradictions.
On page 12, confidently state a conclusion.
On page 13, completely dismantle it, with evidenced citation.
On page 14, apologise to myself, my supervisors, just everyone, keep saying sorry for misunderstanding.
On page 15, pretend none of it happened, start the next day with fresh hope I will finish it. Feel proud I am moving my writing forward. I am listening to my coaches, mentors and supervisors and filling up pages with words (glad no one mentioned quality or placed and high expectation on this bit).

On page 80, what's the research question again.

Six, add citations and consider structure but not important,

Find out what grey literature means and gather from various sources to widen my lens, dot’t limit yourself to credible sources, get creative and include;

• Random family quotes and jokes

• Poems, one liners or statements AI suggested

• Funny stories that are ethically flawed.

The goal is use creativity to discover my genius, not accuracy, leave perfectionism at the door. Maybe let it in sometimes and argue with it. Then slam the door in its face. This builds inner strength. Just don’t tell anyone or they might give you a diagnosis (it's not masking, just surviving societal judgements)

Seven, fold in emotional instability.

Sprinkle thoughts such as: This might actually be genius quickly followed by this is definitely nonsense then get validation from feedback.

• Did cats invent post it notes? followed by Am I the cat? Well… I am a Kat.

Eight, Let it simmer for 6000 words, remember what the clever coach said, just write!

It sounds like a Nike add for a perfectionist. Just do it. Set the timer for 30 minutes and go! Then stop, be gentle with yourself, then harden the f*ck up and go again!

• Write every detail of the process even the bits that don’t seem important now, they will be.

• Share your ideas, then respond to feedback…My plan is to have one methodology chapter, no, split them into two, no, merge them into one

• 16, 000 words later, this is too long! It needs to be shortened.

• Read more wider, more specific, just read.

• Keep the tone confidently uncertain, inconclusive, open-ended. Stay true to your methodology choices.

• There is no one truth, multiple truths exist – well said - stay within the constructivist theoretical framework, projecting X-File vibes of the truth is out there, love that show. Yes ‘I want to believe’ too.

  

  Photo Credit: 'The X-Files': Vince Gilligan Looks Back on 'Bad Blood'

• Raise more questions, question everything. What is truth? Why truth? Whose truth? Am I losing my sanity?

• Remember to justify every decision you make during this process.

Nine, Now stir in the synthesis of ideas

• What? go wide, now narrow? now wide? now detail, that’s too much detail!

• Write sentences and paragraphs that tell a compelling story, have a sound structure with no grammar or no spelling errors. Remember to proofread. Are they reinforcing perfection? Ok perfectionism is in again.

• Be reassured this is an important part of the writing process. I am now developing a researcher identity. Isn’t this fun!

• Stay resilient or leave.

• Ignore all other responsibility including family, friends, personal hygiene, meal breaks or fun. Just write. Keep the dog and cat close for company. Since when did I have a cat? Side note: she arrived in April, remember she is homeless. Oh.

Ten, final touch: write conclusions, this is important!
End the chapter with an open-end conclusion to lead into the next chapter.

• Done. Send. Bliss. Wait for feedback.

Serving Suggestions

• Pair with icy dirty chai latte and optimism it will pass for intellectual work. Stay open to scrutiny and harden the f*ck up.

• Best enjoyed by scholars who slowly flip through it, frowning and provide soul crushing critical feedback. This is character building.

Take aways (I have many)

A research blogger advised me I need to include takeaways. I am listening so here are my;

• Humour is how we cope with despair. I inject it into teaching. My participant said. I listened. First timer in session.

• Note to self: logic is overrated confusion that builds deeply humanised research output in an age of AI is critical for authenticity.

• No AI was used to produce this written work or was it?

• Challenge every idea, but what if…?

• Apologise profusely so they don’t question your mental state, (mask it and ignore all professional advice) it’s called taking accountability, for my curiosity.

• Book in a counselling session weekly, in the absence of this, harden the f*ck up.

• Be resilient, if you don’t have it, quit now.

Peaches is living with us at the moment until her family finds a home.

How do you use humour?

Acknowledgements

This idea was inspired by reading and the use of humour in his publications as he shares his lived experiences of addiction and mental health. Funny man with a generous heart.

Thanks to coach, caring nurse, academic who supports PhDs. Legend and a really kind person.

A fellow PhD across the globe who is currently writing a thesis too , her research related articles are The Arctic Files, absolutely fascinating. We are in the same boat!

A fellow social worker and lived experience of perfectionist during her PhD I really value your insight into your journey.

Continue reading…

This quote by Raewyn Connell really keeps me going. Thinking back on my two years in the program and I actually thought and felt quite the opposite, my view has changed.

This change in view has led me to this post where new thoughts and ideas about a topic are easy to collect, note in a notebook or follow the curious pull wherever it may pull you. Learning and researching ideas now are less like a task and more like a gentle question that I ask myself when I see an idea in my data, it is an invitation to follow my curiosity wherever it naturally drifts to, but I set limits.

In life I have found myself going down various rabbit holes, and this felt okay and absorbed a lot of my time with nothing to show for it, just more ideas and more rabbit holes.

PhD Journey

In my graduate research these rabbit holes need to circle back to my central research question, this forces me gently to maintain my focus. Here I give myself permission to pause and ask myself how does this related to answering the central question? why does this matter to me here and now? It gives me permission to slow down and reflect, work out what needs my energy and attention in the moment, I notice what pulls my attention and questioning it. In research and learning new ideas and concepts becomes softer, kinder, adventurous and playful. I let my curiosity move in the direction of my purpose of answering my research question.

I’ve learned that my mind doesn’t follow straight lines it loops and wanders off track. My learning is creative and a little unconventional, the kind that starts with one question and tumbles into five more before I’ve even finished the first paragraph. I follow sparks: a sentence that makes me pause, a contradiction that irritates me, I return to it and rewrite it few more times before moving forward. I look inward, outward and forward, something I wrote about in earlier articles.

I don’t try to make it elegant anymore. It is the tension I hold between my imperfection and the need for perfection.

I include many curious wanderings into the first few drafts and then filter through revision, after revision to find the clear path. I wonder if this makes me appear clueless or not clearly understanding concepts and complex ideas. I just have so many questions.

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Your Mini-Guide

Think of this mini-guide as a gentle companion sitting with you in time of writing, reflecting and movement towards finishing your next piece of work.

Here are ten ways I remain actively engaged in my learning as I explore ideas in my data;

1. Start with an idea, what matters to me, what do I want to know more about this idea

Ideas appear from my data, what participants have said, felt or wondered. Through this methodology I am able to follow these wonderings and explore them further. These have taken me down many rabbit holes which feels indulging but not productive. I move towards writing my ideas in keywords and phrases into my research diary instead. These don’t make sense to me at the moment. I’ve learned to trust that early messiness or abstraction of ideas, because it’s in that loose, wandering space that the most interesting connections start to appear.

2. I develop a question from the ideas I have gathered

I begin to wonder what is it that I want to learn about, what am I seeing, what do I need to know about the idea or topic. I start asking myself and thinking about the questions. Scribbling them down and reshaping them takes a little playful time, but this part is important. I play Thinking about you by Dustin Lynch and MacKenzie Porter to get me thinking.

3. I become curious about what I read and question this continuously

I have spent most of my teenage years in public libraries and I recall sitting in a book aisle researching a topic of personal interest and reading books beyond my comprehension. This included scientific books, articles, research papers, newsletters, blogs and even the odd sentence that catches my eye in a place I didn’t expect in quotes. I still remain this curious and wonder about topics. Each source gives me a different texture of insight: some are dense and technical, others light and conversational, some create discomfort and some move me, many sit somewhere in between. I like moving between them, asking the question I want answered, remaining curious and open to different ideas. In this stage I give myself a timeframe that feels right for me and my timelines for managing this project.

4. I batch my sources of readings together

Saving time is a skill I’ve motherhood taught me, I batch a lot of stuff like appointments, planning kids’ activities, paying bills, meal prep, it’s a way of life for our family, that is how we keep moving forward. So, I transferred this knowledge and skill into my research, I started to batch read or listen to audio versions of research articles, books, podcasts and then give myself time and space to absorb, process and reflect on what I am learning from different sources. I group these into scientific, practice, meetings and grey publication categories.

5. Recording my thoughts and understanding about what I am learning

I return to my central question here again before I start writing notes and note it on the top of my page. This keeps me returning back to my purpose and my ‘why’. Notetaking is a personal choice; I have taken messy notes from conversations to structured note taking for literature reviews or annotation of book chapters. This part is personal. One thing that remains the same I keep a record of these thoughts returning to them later to rewrite and shape the story that emerges. It’s a living process, one that lets my curiosity wander while still gently guiding me back to what matters - the meaning making, the central question. This keeps me active in the learning process. I stop researching before the information before it turns into a spaghetti bolognaise.

6. The messy first drafts this is when I make sense of the ideas first

The first draft is when I let my creativity flow, random thoughts and wonderings about the topic and potential answers to the questions. I recall getting lost in my writing and the creative flow. These days I stop after 30 minutes. Sometimes 60. It preserves my energy. It is my circuit breaker.

7. Understanding my own lens and how I view the ideas

As a constructivist researcher I have a lens that is shaped by my own values, professional values and personal experiences of a refugee, this enables me to view a topic from that particular lens and worldview. I have the belief that people do not just receive knowledge they build it through their experiences, interactions and interpretations. Instead of looking for one fixed truth, as a constructivist researcher I strive to understand how different people make meaning in their own worlds. I pay close attention to context, personal perspectives, and the way ideas evolve over time. In simple terms, I study how humans construct understanding, rather than assuming knowledge exists independently waiting to be discovered.

8. This is the time I start to shape my ideas on the topic

Now I am meaning making, closely examining who says what about the topic and what lens and perspective they are viewing the topic. I am making sense of the idea and topic. I am also comparing what has challenged my thinking, beliefs and values about the topic. I write down other experts in the field that either share or disagree with the idea, or perhaps they look at it from a different lens.

9. I continue to find myself questioning my data and what I am reading all the time, it sometimes feels critical, inquisitive and skeptical like I am interrogating the data in the courtroom

Reflexivity leads me to critically interrogating what I am learning what I am seeing in my data. This keeps me actively thinking and learning in my research but in a slow thoughtful way. It’s really about slowing down the words in my head enough to notice the assumptions I am carrying and gently asking whether they still hold up, and for who, whose voice am I using. It’s the practice of pausing when something feels too uncomfortable or different and turning it over to see what might be hiding underneath. Challenging assumptions doesn’t mean dismissing everything or criticising others it means staying open, curious, and willing to let your understanding widen as I encounter new ideas in my data. This part often feels like an episode of Law and Order, SVU. I love that show.

Law and Order Courtroom Scene: The Interrogation of Data

10. This is the part that gets me to finally write it, shape it, review it and reshape it on a page

This part feels the most rewarding, not every idea deserves to be in my thesis, not every topic deserves my attention, I need to get critical here, those that do land on my page and I get to write them in a meaningful way. This is where, again, I circle back to my central question, the idea, the topic I am working on. There’s a gentle sense of achievement that what I am saying matters, and that saying it to someone will help them move forward with shaping their idea into meaning making. It turns writing from expression into impact, and you can feel that change in the energy in the words. I give myself a hard self imposed timeline here and send it off for feedback. No excuse. Press send.

On a closing fieldnote, thank you for being here with me and sharing this journey of learning with me. Actively learning how to research feels like riding a rollercoaster more than a gentle practice. However, learning to be gentle with myself along the way is what keeps me returning. It also reminds me to keep activity participate in my knowledge, learning and growing… even when it feels difficult at times.

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Photo source: My Thoughts on: A Beautiful Mind (2001) | Film Music Central

Ron Howard’s A Beautiful Mind offers more than a biographical portrait of mathematician John Nash; it provides a compelling reflection on the psychological and emotional landscape many university students navigate alone and in silence. Set largely within the academic world, the film portrays both the intellectual allure and the intense pressures of higher education, making it especially resonant for students.

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As a PhD student changing the way, I speak to myself has never felt like a single strategy kind of moment, although I am well aware of the benefits of reframing, practicing this with myself has become a challenge. It’s been more like learning to hold my own hand after years of pretending I didn’t need the comfort, its being an adult and learning to fend for yourself.

For me, quotes have become small lifelines, gentle reminders that slip into the cracks of old thinking and help me breathe a little easier. They offer language for things I never knew how to say to myself, especially on the days when my inner voice feels sharp or tired or shaped by experiences, I’m still learning to heal from.

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When I read a line like “Talk to yourself as you would to someone you love” or “You are allowed to be both a masterpiece and a work in progress,” my self-talk changes. These words don’t erase the past or magically rewrite the stories I’ve carried, but they do give me a different starting point for the day or how I think about a situation. They help me interrupt the familiar self‑criticism and replace it with something kinder, and more truthful.

This post is my way of honouring that slow and gentle way of changing our self-talk, that offers kindness, courage moves us toward a compassionate way to gently influence our inner voice.

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Here is a small collection of quotes I have collected over time and really enjoy sharing them. They live in journals, post it notes, notebooks and on my walls in my studio and PhD office. When I feel the need for one to stay with me that particular day or week, I write it down somewhere where I can see it.

A reminder of what to do when I feel lost…

“If we knew what we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?” — Albert Einstein

I am working to embody this…

“Study the science of art. Study the art of science. Develop your senses – especially learn how to see. Realize that everything connects to everything else.”- Leonardo da Vinci

I felt this today… I felt lighter…

“People carry around their stories forever in their cells. And once you get it out of you and onto the page – you’re never going to forget it. But it’s not as heavy. A lot of it [writing] is lightening the load.” – Nancy Slonim Aronie

I am trying to live by this…

“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.” - Brené Brown

I wonder what feeling included feels like …

“No one belongs until everyone belongs.” — Unknown

This feels grounding in the seasons…

Self-doubt is a weather system; it passes. Plant your feet and wait for the sun. – Jonas Fletcher

I can relate to this…

“It is the tension between creativity and skepticism that has produced the stunning and unexpected findings of science.” - Carl Segan

This quote convinced me to take my laptop outside today and continue writing…

“We think reconnecting with nature is going to be this moment of buying a pair of hiking boots and getting outdoors. Honestly, what it might actually look like is taking a Zoom call outside or just spending five more minutes outdoors. It’s about taking micro-steps that lead to a macro shift in our lives.”— Pattie Gonia

This feels grounding in the seasons…

Self-doubt is a weather system; it passes. Plant your feet and wait for the sun. – Jonas Fletcher

I find myself doing my best when…

“Turn ‘I can’t’ into ‘I can try’ and watch the world respond differently.” – Hannah Li

This really speaks to me…

Feeling like a fraud is not a secret you must face alone; it’s a human signal to reassess unrealistic expectations.– Dr. Aisha Kane

I love this quote, I can relate, I am always planning my writing while doing dishes, walking or attending to another part of my life.

“The best time for planning a book is while you’re doing the dishes.”

—Agatha Christie

I need to remind myself this every day, this is why I am taking time to do a PhD…

“10 or 20 years from now… You will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do.”

~Mark Twain

The greatest weakness lies in giving up…

“The most certain way to succeed is to always try just one more time.”

~Thomas Edison

On a closing studio note, this was such a meaningful article for me to write, a little personal, a little sciencey, a gentle practice I nurture every day and I hope you enjoy it. A final closing quote from one of my favourite female artists;

This one will stay with me today…

“Do not allow people to dim your shine because they are blinded. Tell them to put on some sunglasses.” - Lady Gaga

I would love to know which one resonates with you, please share your thoughts in the comments.

Keep reading…

I decided to quit my job, start of February, to become a substacker… just kidding but wouldn’t it be nice, but blogging is a good part of the reason and journey. I realised the work and my career will still be there, with the same opportunities and challenges. It was time to take a pause and focus on developing my PhD and all thing experiences that come with it like attending events, conferences, workshops, writing and doing the research! This was a difficult decision, I loved my job at the school, but I loved my PhD more, I couldn’t do it all.

If you are new year, here is where it all started…

There were just not enough hours in the day.

Quitting my job is a HUGE financial decision, and there is no secret that Australian PhDs live in poverty.

Despite a slight poverty issue, which is not fun to navigate with three kids, hungry mouths to feed, afterschool activities to pay for, no real holidays, endless shopping requests and daily essential luxuries (including food and petrol these days). It was the best decision I needed to make in this time of my life. The best way I can describe this moment is with the movie Friends with Money. It is comedy about four friends, Jennifer Aniston, 55, contemplates the meaning of midlife after she quits her job and becomes a maid for a living.

Photo credit: Friends with Money Movie Review | Common Sense Media

“Let all your moments of self-doubt, fear, or disappointment fuel your drive to be great.” – Devin McCourty

I love this quote, although it doesn’t happen every time, I do strive to let my self-doubt, fear and disappointment fuel my strength to move forward.

It isn’t a midlife crisis. It is a normal stage of my life, according to Erikson this stage of life 30-65 is really focusing on ‘contribution to society and be part of a family’.

It is reassuring to know that in this stage of life, the generative vs stagnation begins to show up in our desires for new ways of living and aligning with our social identity. I found that I am wishing to contribute to the next generation more and the desire grew stronger to be part of a community that leans towards researching and writing (generativity). I wanted to activity engage in this gentle redirection in my development as I grew older, perhaps I have learned a few things along my journey. The alternative is the stagnation stages, this is where I would fall into my own trap with no personal growth, feelings of emptiness and disconnection.

I am consciously stepping in to learning, growing through reflection and formal training in my PhD

Learning and growing is important to me as an individual and as a mother. I want to model accessible education and working for passion to my children. I want to model how to follow dreams. So they can see that and feel that is possible in their life.

It was about prioritising my family, flexible way of working and living. It created more opportunities for writing, my days became filled with more meaningful conversations and experiences.

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It allowed me to slow down, process and move towards something tangible that I desired throughout my career and develop those skills. A gentle ambition lived inside of me that never really went away. Making room for what really mattered is part of this story.

I love this quote; it represents existence for me and what I can control and what I can improve on later. Life has taken an interesting turn, my household is full of mini bosses keeping me accountable for my time and how I spend it. I find myself negotiating with my family about my time at home and blogging.

Surviving NOT Thriving

10 ways I continue to be accountable for ‘mummy’s home time’ while in my third PhD year. I continue to convince my family I am working hard while they are not at home.

One, I created a ‘In Meeting’ door sign that says: “Mummy is in a meeting for 60 minutes with a person you don’t know, you have to get your own drink, snack and work out arguments together”.

Two, I put on my work clothes in the morning, and say: YES mummy is still working on a really big and important project.

Three, I ask my family how their days was, naturally they ask the same question back at the end of each day, I am required to provide them with a detailed description on how I used my time.

Four, no washing duties during worktime, I may be flexible, but I can’t do housework while focusing on data analysis, yes, the laundry is still in the washing baskets, and it is waiting to be done.

Five, meal prepping most Sundays helps with organisation and letting the family know I am actually busy Monday - Friday.

Six, I have picked up some casual teaching contracts, this means kids: when I don’t work, I don’t get paid and I am not spending money on Robux

Seven, when family drops in, they can see I am working, in my studio, both PCs on, analysing, writing, reading, it’s an opportunity for me to debrief if I am struggling.

Eight, all shopping is done outside of ‘working hours’, gently remind them when they say in the morning, if you go to the shops can you please get… [the thing]

Nine, school hours are my working hours. Not negotiable, my holidays are during school holidays, but teaching and marking overlaps most of the time.

Ten, no I haven’t picked up the dog poop, I am still working. Writing a blog is a big part of developing my ‘writing practice’.

As I am writing these down, they feel deceitful, a little cringe to share, but this is my reality and one way I protect my PhD time and feel productive in my days.

On a closing studio note, thank you for being here with me for a little while and sharing this journey with me. It still amazes me how words can sprinkle the page when I have something pressing to on my mind. I hope these words find their way to someone who may need them. If anything in this piece stayed with you, even for a moment, I’m grateful. And if you’re carrying something heavy today, I hope this offered a small pocket of ease. Until next time, may you move through your hours with a bit more gentleness and self-love.

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Stepping into my third year of the doctorate feels less like crossing a threshold and more like returning to a landscape I’m finally beginning to understand. This path is still moving, but it no longer feels foreign. I can sense the direction I have carved through reading, writing, questioning, and circling back again in a non-linier kind of way.

If you are new here, you may want to go to the beginning where it all started…

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PhD Journey

What? - This year carries a different weight. Not heavier just more intentional that is interconnecting all the lessons I have learned along the way. The early years were about gathering readings, literature reviews, research proposals, ideas, reviewing theories, choosing methods and methodology, formulating research questions I wasn’t yet ready to ask aloud. Now the work feels deeper and richer in its nature, with deeper reflections that feel at the time emotionally tense.

I’m noticing how my research diary has become a companion rather than a requirement. It’s where I trace my research movements, decisions of my thinking, where I let myself be vulnerable. It is a practice of longing enough for it to teach me something. This process feels deeply personal and professional in one entry. I grow as a person as well as research at the same time.

If the first year was about orientation, research proposals and research ethics applications. Receiving regular mentoring. Managing the balance of work, life, love, research, and self-care. Noticing imposter syndrome kicking in.

The second year was about promoting my research project, recruiting participants and analysing transcripts of data. Noticing, reviewing and monitoring how my work, life, love and self-care are tracking. Exhaustion was well and being truly present. The imposter syndrome was still hanging around. I wondered why and found this interesting research study.

So what? - According to Wang and Li (2023) scoping review of 30 studies on the impostor syndrome among doctoral students highlights strong links between impostor feelings and mental‑health challenges including anxiety, depression, burnout, and procrastination.

My aha moment arrived reading this particular article, what I found fascinating is that so many studies arrived at similar conclusions. I often don’t name this in my writing perhaps its avoidance, or personal boundaries, maybe it is being mindful of the reader and their experience or being a trauma-informed writer. I even removed details from this paragraph that felt too vulnerable, wondering the value it would give others. I believe the ‘imposter’ feeling for me is deeply seeded in my core beliefs about myself and from my childhood experiences. Life shapes us in mysterious ways. These core beliefs are repeated throughout generations within my family… I traced them back to WWII. Something I will need to feel comfortable about sharing more openly so my research makes sense to the readers, reviewers, knowers and thinkers. This part feels heavy, vulnerable and unexpected. I notice other researchers present their positioning with such ease. Perhaps that’s when I feel it the most, an imposter thoughts creep in “I shouldn’t be here” and “I don’t belong”.

I really liked description of this feeling ‘it feels like walking on the edge of growth’. I wonder if that is when I feel like an imposter, I am learning and I am growing. I don’t have all the answers, but I am working on it.

Now what? - The journey is different for everyone; we all have a different purpose and our writing or research topics that are in some way connected to us. The journey is long with many twists and turns, ups and downs, some moments that are cringy and other moments feel more like awe. Every journey has aha moments, setbacks, progress, a pause and a finish line. All PhD students are in very different stages of life too.

I am in midlife. PhD mum of three.

With a clearer understanding of where these feelings and beliefs come from, my attention intentionally moves my focus to look for concrete evidence that challenges my thoughts and feelings of being an imposter. In the last two years of my doctorate I experienced and celebrated many ‘tiny wins’ along the journey that led to the following big tangible ‘wins’ in my story.

The above is the look Roxy gave me when I celebrated the final submission of another book chapter that I have been working on. This seemed like a long emotionally and psychologically testing process. But just to keep it real, this only followed by a total hard rejection when my final version did ‘fit’ into the book narrative, when my final version of this chapter was rejected.

The above is a LinkedIn post from HERDSA Fellowship group celebrating the completion of the Fellowship program. I completed two years of mentoring in scholarship of teaching and learning. My teaching portfolio has been ratified, and I was informed that I would receive the ‘Fellow’ award at the next conference in Singapore.

My abstract was accepted to present at the HERDSA Annual Conference in Singapore. I am dreaming of a beautiful girl’s trip with fellow PhDs. Celebrating a trip to Singapore, a country I have never been too before, I am really excited about this trip.

And here we are now. The start of my third year begins at the end of April 2026

Photos from of my week, sharing what I am consuming and creating.

Photos from my week, sharing how I release what I consume and create.

Time to pause and take a mini retreat.

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This photo is a reminder I need to bring mini retreats into my days.

One of my research diaries where I document my thoughts, ideas and reflections.

"Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.” — Dr. Seuss

On a closing fieldnote, When I sit with what I’ve learned, I try to honour it by giving it space to breathe before I turn it into something shareable. I find when releasing these reflections into words, I’m not just documenting the learning; I’m transforming my inner hive.

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I wanted to use this space to track my experiences as a graduate researcher in the final year. Each entry will become a small act of noticing, wondering, what sparked my interest, what challenged my assumptions, what ideas stayed with me long after I closed the book or stepped away from the work. Here I am returning to the page regularly, I practice my attention, deepen my reflexivity, and create a traceable map of my intellectual and creative process.

There is a lesson in everything, I believe. Some lessons are going to be light, funny and others will be deep and heavy.

My research is in teaching and learning trauma-related content so there will be at times some sensitive material explored. With those post, please be gentle with yourself. Skip what you don’t need to read or want to know about.

Please take your time in digesting, self-loving and pausing when you need a mini retreat.

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PhD Journey

I have learned overtime that reading and writing are two halves of the same creative practice one fills, the other releases. My PhD life is all about absorbing readings, reflecting on what I am reading and then transforming it into written text, in my case a thesis and academic textbooks (if you are curious my work can be found here Tutorial Ideas for Educators on the Run).

When we read, we absorb ideas, stories, words, structures, questions, and possibilities that quietly shape how we think on the page. Stories teach us how experiences are expressed; arguments teach us how ideas hold together; even a single striking sentence can change the way we understand that experience. Over time, this back‑and‑forth becomes a kind of learning, lifelong learning as reading expands our inner library, and writing transforms that influence into something distinctly our own.

Photos from of my week, sharing what I am consuming and creating.

My PhD weeks fill with readings and writing, comparing new ideas with old ideas. There is quite layering that begins to happen where new ideas brush up against old ones, reshaping them, softening them, or sometimes sharpening their edges. Each word that I encounter becomes part of an ongoing conversation, and my writing becomes the place where that conversation settles into clarity. Over time, this pulse starts to beat stronger in the wind of taking in and putting out intellectually rich hive with fragments of breaking down, recombining and nourishing whatever I am working toward next.

Photos from my week, sharing how I release what I consume and create.

I’ve learned throughout my PhD journey that when I release my thoughts onto the page, something inside me loosens too. Letting the work take shape in text feels like giving my mind permission to rewire itself a small act of neuroplasticity in action. Happening while I work. Each sentence becomes a pathway, each reflection a gentle rerouting of old pathways into new possibilities. New ambition. Writing becomes less about getting it “right” and more about allowing my inner hive move, learn and grow in ways it couldn’t if I kept everything contained inside.

Time to pause and take a mini retreat.

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This photo is a reminder I need to bring mini retreats into my days.

The Idol

There are many researchers that have I have admired over the few years, but Brene Browns work not only inspires me it moves me, I fell in love with her methodology and approach to research. I first learned about grounded theory through her work and that’s when I started considering it as an approach before I started my PhD.

Reflection Model

I am using this simple model of reflection to help me understand my process, what works, what does work and where to invest my energy next. This is a tool I would teaching social work students and I would use in practice to guide my reflection and continue learning.

The model was developed by Rolfe et. al. (2021) to deepens the process of understanding and move into reflexivity like a researcher. Its: What? So what? Now what?

Firsts ask about, What? What readings did you find, save and decided are worth keeping? What is the theme?

Second, ask yourself, So what? Write the moment when you were reading. hat changed in your thinking? So, what, why did it matter to you?

Thirdly, ask yourself, Now what? How do these readings align or not align with your personal experience?

One of my research diaries where I document my thoughts, ideas and reflections.

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Social Identity

Social identities are the stories we learn to tell ourselves who we are in relation to others, the roles we inhabit, the groups we belong to, and the meanings we attach to those connections. They are influenced by family, culture, religion, job titles we hold and the subtle expectations that drift through our social worlds. They are also shaped by our values and beliefs. They are not fixed; they change over the course of our life. Social identities are both inherited and chosen, both given by others or by birth and continually revised as we move through different stages of life.

Understanding social identities in this way opens up a gentler possibility for ourself in time of transition and change. If identity is shaped through interaction, then we can participate in shaping it. We can choose the environments that nourish us, the roles that feel true, create meaning in our days, and the small daily micro-actions that align us with who we are becoming.

Science

The concept of social identity has evolved across sociology, psychology, anthropology, and philosophy, highlighting that scholars disagree on when identity became a central topic in the social sciences. While Zygmunt Bauman argues that identity only recently became a major concern, Richard Jenkins traces its roots to early thinkers like William James, Cooley, Mead, and Simmel. The chapter also notes how historical events such as post–World War II anxieties and the Black Power Movement shaped research on both individual and group identities. Hazar Ege Gursoy Erdenay situates social identity as a dynamic, interdisciplinary concept shaped by shifting social conditions and scholarly debates.

I particularly like this article by Associate Professor Shashank Yadav in social sciences. Who believes that social identity has shifted from a marginal idea in early Western sociology to a central, dynamic concept in contemporary theory. While classical thinkers like Mead and Cooley framed identity in socio‑psychological terms, modern scholarship views it as both individual and collective fluid, multifaceted, and continually reshaped by social forces. The search for identity has become a shared feature of modern life, shaped by the pressures and possibilities of modernity. It is also the time of midlife for many as they transition into a new stage in life where meaning making becomes more important. We also need to appreciate the technological change, evolving power structures, and broader social transformations all contribute to how identities are formed, contested, and lived today. Thinking how those in the 70s or 80s grew up and the influences in our children’s lives.

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One of my all-time favourite movies is legally blonde. What I like about it is that it is challenging status quo of women in the justice system in a light humours kind of way. Elle Woods played by Reese Witherspoon struggles with her identity and be accepted by fellow law student peers, her feminine energy is beautiful but doesn’t fit into the patriarchy which is a social system where men hold primary power and predominate in roles of political leadership, moral authority, social privilege, and control.

Write Fieldnotes

Take out a notebook or a scribble paper and reflect on how social identity is shaped. As yourself this central question:

Who am I?

Let your thinking flow, gently and kindly… settle in nature or in a cosy spot on your sofa, it’s time to go on a gentle adventure of self-discovery.

1. Notice the stories you tell about yourself
Identity often hides inside the narratives we repeat. What narrative do you tell yourself? Gently question whether those words are still true or simply easier to stay.

2. Curate the environments that reflects who you want to be
We become influenced by the people and spaces we spend time with. Choose environments that make you feel who you are becoming, curious, and grounded in authenticity.

3. Practice micro‑actions that match your future self
Identity shifts through repetition, not reinvention. Small acts of speaking up, saying no gently, sharing a thought you’d normally hide, taking time to look after yourself first accumulate into a new sense of belief about self.

4. Seek out communities that reflect your values, who is part of your community?
When you spend time with people who value what you value, your identity has room to breathe and grow unconsciousness.

5. Let go of outdated role descriptions
Sometimes we outgrow identities that once kept us safe. You don’t have to reject your past, in fact learn from it, honour it, just loosen your grip on roles that no longer fit.

6. Explore low‑stake identity social experiments
Try on new roles: try a different way of introducing yourself, set up a space for your future self or spend time in a location your future self will visit often. Will your future self be a writer and work from different locations? Try that, see what that feels like. Treat it like a gentle social experiment, take note of your observations of others, how do they respond? notice how you feel?

7. Strengthen the identity you want through language
Use language that aligns with who want to be. I’m learning about… or I am practicing… creates a low-pressure way to re-write your narrative.

8. Notice who you are when you feel most at ease
Your most authentic identity often appears in moments of ease with certain people, in certain places, or during certain activities. Let those moments guide you, take a mental note of these.

9. Create rituals that ground you in your values
Create rituals in your days i.e. to mark the end of work and start of family time, learn that new skill, weekly moments for yourself, micro actions that reinforce the version of yourself you want to inhabit. These are evidence that you are moving forward.

10. Allow your identity to evolving over time
Take the pressure off, remembering that identity isn’t a fixed sculpture; it’s a garden that needs to be nurtured, continues growing and changing over time and seasons. You attend to it, prune it, and let it grow in new directions over time. Here you may want to reflect on how family expectations and society have influenced choices in your life.

Take Away

Keep it simple; write a poem, write a note on your mirror, write an entry in your journal, paint a self-portrait, or write an article about on this central question Who am I? Here try letting go of labels if that feels right and move towards focusing on values.

Transition is the only constant we can truly expect. - Lao Tzu

On a closing studio note, these reflections are an invitation, not an instruction, a gentle space to notice who you already are and who you are becoming.

I would love to know what journey you are on right now?

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This Learning Hive Studio of reflective articles is for you if…

• you are overthinking it all, every decision, every feeling, every word

• second-guessing yourself into a spiral of stickiness

• battling that imposter monster inside

• the inner critic is loud and noisy in most of your days

• you are curious about the social world and how it influences your life

• you are on a mission of change, transition or transform but not sure about your next move

• you believe in social justice for all

• above all else, you love pop culture.

I see you. I hear you. I write for you.

Learning Hive Studio publication is here for you.

I wanted this space to feel deep, playful, creative and wholehearted.

This space will challenge the status quo, raise voices for justice and welcome feminist badass energy (this includes all genders who hold feminist values).

That is the energy I am building here. A family, a community and a support network for all. No labels. No categories. No exclusion criteria.

Welcome. I am so glad you are here.

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1. Why writing and why now

I wanted to move away from scientific and academic writing and engage in a creative writing practice that is accessible for all.

I am a PhD graduate researcher and taking a deep dive into learning methods of trauma-related content in education. I wanted to track my PhD learning journey and develop my creative writing skills.

If you are a lifelong learner or deliver trauma-related content in your educational practice, this space is for you. I will be sharing my research outcomes with my subscribers once I have completed my research.

2. What you will find here

A blog style newsletter grounded in a creative framework of pop culture; art, music, fashion, social media and movies.

Inside free subscribes will find:

• I am tracking the third year of my PhD through reflective journalling, pop culture and creative humour about my PhD Journey experience,

• Storytelling of authentic personal experiences, thoughts and interactions within the social world, grounded in human experience, love and wholeheartedness;

• Take ways and mini guides filled with thoughtful prompts and reflective questions grounded in psychology, social work and sociology.

All content is free at the moment as I build and create my hive community.

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3. What I hope this becomes

My hope is that this becomes a community of lifelong learners. A place we can grow together.

Image: A picture of me mixing paint in the arty space of my studio, it is my go-to grounding techniques I have used over many years.

4. Thank you for being here

Growing and learning together is what really matters to me. Thank you for following my PhD journey and learning along side of me.

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